48 hours, a short story | chan & seungmin

chan ⚘ little lion man- mumford & sons

— Chapter 7 , let me leave

i don't bother to look as he leaves. i'm not a nosy person, i don't care who called. there is absolutely no reason for me to watch him leave. if anything, this is the time i should leave. i know i have to go.

i lay in the water, just letting it take me. this is peace. this is relaxing. i like this, i want to be like this forever. i lift my head up a little bit, just so my ears don't fill with the salt water.

"where are you going to go?" he asks me as he yells from his house.

i didn't expect him to be there, but i don't react. i sit up, and begin to climb out of the water. i don't know where i am going to go actually, but i know one thing— i'm getting the fuck out of this ocean. it's making me think of doing things i shouldn't do right now.

"just come inside." he yells to me, "I'll get the shower ready for you."

i am going to tell him no, tell him that i'll just leave forever. however, he is already gone by the time i look up. i don't know why, but i seem to feel a bit relieved. it's almost like i didn't want to leave yet.

i grab my clothes and make my way up the beach, walking to his house. i step up on the deck, im and return around. i take one last look out at the ocean. i would be drowned and washed up on shore in they ocean right now if it weren't for this kid.

i look away painfully, sighing before i open the sliding glass door and step inside the home. it's a beautiful home, and i can hear the shower running from upstairs. i look down the hall, and i see a light turned on.

i'm guessing that's the bathroom he set up for me, and i take a few steps to it. i'm correct. there are bottles of shampoo and a new bar of soap on the counter for me, and i hate that he wasted a new bar of soap on somebody who will never use it again.

i turn on the water, and wait for it to get warm. i don't know what i'm doing. i don't know why i'm still here, and why i'm in this house with this kid. i don't know why i chose to stay today. but, i hope i don't chose to tomorrow.

—

i walk out of the bathroom, now in random clothes that aren't even mine. i'm wearing a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, which were placed on the counter for me.

seungmin is on the loveseat, with his legs up to his chest. he is watching the TV when i come out. he turns his head to me, and gives me a little smile when he sees me. "i set up a bed for you." he says, motioning to the couch next to him.

i look to it, blankly. "why did you do that?" i ask.

"you said you have no-where to go, so i figured you should just stay here tonight." he says, and turns off the television.

"i am just going to leave." i say, and begin to grab my clothes.

"you don't have too," he says standing up. "plus, i told you i was going to make sure you were okay. i meant that." he looks at me. "i don't want you to go."

"i should leave, kid." i say.

i don't think i can spend another second with this boy. i spent the past couple of weeks getting rid of everything and everyone in my life, and i don't need this boy to become attached to me. i don't need to become attached to this boy.

"can you please just stay?" he asks me desperately. "i don't want you to go.. and i don't want to be alone again when i can be with you."

i look at him, and just scoff. "this is exactly why i need to go."

i need to leave before i want to stay. i knew it was happening, i knew a kid like him would being attached to me and i knew i would want to stay. i begin to walk away, and i reach the sliding glass door when his words hit me.

"why can't you just stay?" he asks. "why are you being so mean to me? i mean.. it's not going to hurt you to stay."

i turn around and look at him. "i need to go seungmin. you don't know me, i don't know you— we don't know each other. don't you see a problem with that?"

"i don't see a problem with that." he shakes his head and crosses his arms. "the only problem i see is you pushing away. why is it such a problem that we are getting close?"

"pushing away? from what? a guy i've known for less than ten hours?" i ask. "seungmin, your becoming too attached and i don't think you understand that. we don't know each other."

"we can get to know each other!" he suddenly raises his voice. "i don't get what you are so afraid of. if you keep saying we don't know each other, then let's get to know each other. i'm giving you a place to stay since you have nowhere to go, so why can't you just stay. why do you have to leave?"

"because i can't stay!" i yell. "i want to leave, i want to leave this damn world! i don't want to stay. i don't want to be here!" i yell at him.

i've hit my breaking point, and i've just started to spew. he seems taken aback by my words, and this is when i realize i can't go back now. i don't ever yell at people, so when i do, it's my time to let everything out.

"you asked me why i was at that dock." i say, but in a calmer voice now. "i was at that dock, because i was going to kill myself. and you stopped me, seungmin. so i'm sorry if i've been mean or not talking, but i've had a really hard life so i'd appreciate it if you would just let me leave!" i yell at him.

i turn around, and walk out of the door. i don't even think when i slam it back closed. i can't even believe i let this go on so long. i knew it was going to end with him not wanting me to leave, but i stayed away.

i am walking down the beach when i hear him yell my name. i don't stop, instead i just keep waking. i can't stop, because then i will want to stay.

my arm gets yanked back, and i turn around to look at him. i'm about to tell him to go away, but when i look at him— he is crying. tears are streaming down his face.

"i don't want you to die." he cries, gripping my arm and shaking his head no. "i don't want you to go, please don't kill yourself."

oh shit. i look at his gace, and how his cheeks are wet from his tears. my stomach starts to feel weird, and i can't help but curse at myself in my head. i made this boy cry. this boy is crying because of me.. or for me?

"oh seungmin.." i whisper, and yank him by his arm.

i pull him into a hug, trying to comfort him in any way i can. i don't even know what i'm doing. i'm hugging this boy and letting him cry in my arms, as i try to comfort him and tell him it's all okay.

"shh." i whisper. "it's okay, i'll stay. i promise. i won't go anywhere." i'm saying things i don't even know are true, and it's killing me to know i might be leaving in a few hours anyway.

but as he cries in my arms, it makes me want to stay.