48 hours, a short story | chan & seungmin

seungmin ⚘ train wreck- james arthur

- Chapter 8 , a beautiful sight

i cry. and i cry and i cry.

i realize now that something inside me has grown for this man, and it's really bad. this is really bad. i cry in his arms, wishing that he won't leave me. i don't want him to leave. i don't want him to want to leave.

"please.." i beg. "please just stay tonight, please just stay forever."

"okay, okay." he says. "let's just go back inside."

i nod my head, and he rubs my back as i pull away. he puts his hand on my back as we begin to walk inside, as i wipe my tears with my sleeves. i shutter and my breath is uneasy, but we head inside without another word.

"i-" i stutter. "i will sleep- over there." i point to the love seat and sniffle. "so you don't feel lonely."

i don't even realize i'm projecting when i say it, but when he looks at me and that's when i realize. i just shake it off, and grab the extra blanket i left for him. i don't say another word, and just lay down.

it's silent for a couple minutes. i'm turned over, not facing him. i don't think i can really look at him. but it isn't because i'm mad or i'm disgusted, it's just hard to absorb everything i've learned about somebody. this guy.. he just has been through more than i can even fathom.

"seungmin..?" he suddenly speaks, and i turn over to look at him.

he doesn't say anything, so i sit up and look over to him. i don't know why, but the way he's looking at me makes me want to cry. this isn't the same guy who has been emotionless to me all day, this is a guy who needs help.

"what?" i ask softly.

"i'm sorry." he says, shaking his head. "i'm sorry i want to die."

my heart drops to the floor.

im sorry, im sorry i want to die.

i feel my chest begin to ache, and i just stare at him in shock. i can feel my heart breaking as my eyes start to brim with tears, and my body begins to feel numb. how could he apologize for that?

he looks at me, with an apologetic look in his eyes. i shake my head no. no, stop. no, don't think those things. no, please don't do this to yourself. no, don't ever feel guilty for not being happy. these are all things i want to say, but nothing is coming out of my mouth.

"chan." i say, crawling down off of my couch and over to the couch he is sitting on. i sit between his legs, and look up at his face- his expression of sadness. "please don't apologize, you have nothing to be sorry for."

"no, i'm sorry." he shakes his head, and that's when i start to see his eyes fill with tears. "i've ruined everything, i've lost everything i've ever had." he says while still shaking his head.

"chan-" i put a hand on his knee.

"i'm gone, it's all gone-i've lost it all." his hands go up to his hair, pulling on it as he continues to shake his head.

"chan, stop." i say, shaking my head. "you're not gone, you're right here- i'm right here. your amazing, your amazing please don't do.. please stop."

"it's all gone, i have nothing." he says again a bit quieter now.

"chan." i raise my voice, standing up as i grab his face with my hands.

he looks up at me with nothing in his eyes, and it breaks my heart. i shake my head while looking at him. "chan, i know i don't know you and you don't know me- but please don't ever say you're nothing or that you're sorry for feeling like you want to die."

"you can fall apart, you can wish to kill yourself, you can look over the water and wish to jump," i pause, and take a breath in. "but you never should apologize for feeling like that. never, chan, never."

that's when he starts to cry.

that's when the tears fall, and his breath starts to become unsteady. he sobs like he never has had the chance to cry, and i just hold him. i bring his face to my chest, holding him close. his arms wrap around me while gripping onto my clothes as he cries in my chest.

"it's okay to feel this way." i say. "it will pass though, so please don't follow through with any of it. that's just a feeling, that's just an intrusive thought, they will pass. everything gets better, it just takes time."

"i don't have time." he says into my chest.

i don't know why he says that, but i'm not going to ask at a moment like this. i try to think of something to say when i know nothing, as i run my hands through his muggy hair.

"maybe not," i start quietly. "but no matter how much time you have- you need to make the best of it." i say. "i don't know what your life has been or is like- but you still have time to make it better."

"seungmin stop." he says in my chest. "please, just stop. don't say anything."

"i'm not going to stop until you tell me you won't waste your time." i say. "so say it, chan."

"seungmin please." he whimpers.

"say it." my voice cracks, as a tear runs down my cheek. i bite my lip, before taking a deep breath. "please just tell me you won't waste your time. even if you are lying to me." i say.

i pull his face away from my chest, and i cup his face as he looks up at me. i give him a weak smile, and wipe his tears. "please chan. i know i'm a stranger, i know i'm just a kid to you, but all i ask is for you to spend your time with no regrets."

he continues to look at me, but that's when i notice something has changed. his eyes look different now as i stare into them. it's a subtle difference, but it makes me let out a sob while i'm smiling. i don't even know.

but that's when he smiles. his mouth turns up, and he smiles while there are tears running down his cheeks. a smile, while he feels like dying. two things come together, and it makes a beautiful sight.

"i wont waste my time." he says, looking up at me. "but i want you to teach me how to do that, i want to know how to live. so will you.. with the rest of the time you have left here.." he takes in a breath, and his next words come out shaky. "teach me?"

a tear runs down my own cheek, and i nod my head silently with a smile on my face. i close my eyes for a second, and take a quick breath. when i look down at him again, he is just staring up at me.

it's dark outside, the only light we have is the beach lights they have out for tourists. however, the light is just bright enough for me to see his face, his beautiful and painfully sad face. he has a smile on his face, but when i look at him he looks away.

he closes his eyes, and falls back into my chest. this is probably bad, being this close with a stranger in my own home, but it feels right.

he is hurting, and i am lonely. these things mix together and creat bad things, i know that. but what if, for once in our fucked up world, this could be something good? what if this is meant to be something good?

i have hope for him, and hope for myself- that this will be good. but not just for me, and not just for him, but for anybody else who will here our story.

this will be good, i know it.