I got sick of it so easily. I got sick of hearing the same words every day for a year, and the worst was that I was told by a person who only thought that I was severely fucked up. Like they knew anything about this, they've only studied and never experienced any of it.
I was meant to sit there every day and hear about how things got better. I was meant to sit there and hear about how one day my mother wouldn't have this unreasonable dislike for me. I was sick of hearing about how happy everyone else is. The last time I checked I wasn't them. I wasn't anyone really, I was just some object.
I got sick of hearing about how ome day I'd forget about how his hands made my skin burn and every time someone touched me, I soon wouldn't jump. I wouldn't feel like an object anymore. I'd be an actual human being..but even that seemed impossible.
I was told that one day the scars would fade, but I knew what my skin looked like before they appeared. I knew that my skin wouldn't be the same.
I got sick of those good damn pills. They did nothing but block out my emotions so I was nothing but a numb void. I hated how my skin still burned with memories of his hands. Every time I looked at my body their hands were there to leave burn marks and my eyes would redden with tears. I hated my skin and how dirty it looked, and somehow it made sense to ruin it even further.
I got sick of being strong. I got sick of being told that every day because I'm not. I'm not someone who's strong. I'm someone just trying to survive. I haven't done anything special. I just tried in hopes that those things I were promised would happen. And for days I wondered if they would happen, and I still wonder.
And so now I listen to the words of "Hold on, darling
This body is yours,
This body is yours and mine
Well hold on, my darling
This mess was yours,
Now your mess is mine
Your mess is mine"
I wonder how he's managing my mess, because sometimes I see that he knows I'm still drowning in it. Sometimes I see how much it bothers him, and I wonder why I can't be normal. I wonder why I can't be strong for him and get past it. But I'm not strong.
