It took me too long to realize this, but I hope for those who are going through the same troubles as me realize this too.. The song attached is really happy and upbeat, but I actually danced to this song while I was really sad one night and drinking with someone who I guess you could call a friend.
There are a lot of things that I feel like saying to you, one of them being FUCK YOU! Fuck you for ignoring me for two weeks. Fuck you for ignoring me when I tried to say goodbye and get closure. Fuck you for telling me that I'm a waste of time. Fuck you for making me believe in forevers. But most importantly- fuck you for loving me for that amount of time and then calling it a complete waste ot time. I gave you my entire fucking heart. It's okay for me to feel this way, it's okay for me to be angry with you. And it's okay for you to be angry with me. It's okay to be upset.
Another thing I must say is thank you. Thank you for giving me happiness and making me feel appreciated. Thank you for those sweet words, and thank you for staying up late all those nights. Thank you for making me laugh and forget every worry that I've ever had. Thank you for letting me in on your life and thank you for being apart of mine. Thank you for letting me heal with you, even though you did reopen the wound... it's okay for me to still be in love with you. But it's also okay for my feelings for you to change. And it's okay that you don't want me anymore.
I'm sorry for wasting your time. I'm sorry for all the times I didn't tell you that I love you, and I'm sorry for loving you still. I'm sorry for taking so long to say goodbye. I'm sorry that I have to say goodbye because I love you. But it's okay, because it's okay for me to cry. It's okay for me to not let go yet. It's okay that you're moving on.
It's okay that you don't care, because truth be told you never really did. You never cared when my father hit me, you never cared when I was worried so much about you, and you never cared to listen to my goodbye. I'm not even sure that you read it, and I'm doubting that you ever did. It's okay for me to tell myself that I'll be okay. It's okay that I'm faking a smile to get through the pain. It's okay that I'm miserable while you're as happy as can fucking be. It's okay that I'm exhausted from crying over you because I'll be okay.
It's okay to try to move on, but I have to be sure that the sadness in my eyes isn't obvious. Because then they'll ditch me half through a date or tell me to never talk to them again because apparently I'm too fucked up to even be worthy of their time as well... it's okay to sometimes think that I'm a waste of time. But it's not okay to ever believe it.
It's okay for me to cry at 4 AM because I'm exhausted and can't even sleep from the pain you feel. But it isn't okay to believe that this pain is forever, because one day I'll find myself again. One day your words will mean nothing to me, I don't know when that'll happen but I know it'll happen. And I'm sure that my words already have no meaning to you.
It's okay to smile and laugh, because the world is beautiful and the people who are making me laugh & smile are beautiful. It's okay to reflect on my time with him, it's completely okay. Because the memories make me smile and remind me that happiness is out there even though it may be short lived. It's okay to cry that you're gone because I feel as though that I've lost more than a lover- I lost my best friend. But I have to remember that you lost me. You said goodbye first without any struggle whatsoever, you did it the most god damn asshole way ever. And that is something that I cannot forgive you for, and that's okay because I won't live my life trudging on about it.
It's okay for me to not trust anyone because as you've told me, relationships don't last forever- most end. And most importantly, people aren't forever. Not one person in this world will be there forever, not one person in this world will stay forever, not one person will love forever. I've learned that I can't rely on anyone but myself, that at the end of the day I'm alone. And it's okay to be alone, it's okay because I have myself.
I keep telling myself that it's going to be okay because you're okay. And when you're not okay I hope you tell me, because I'll do anything to make sure that you will be okay just like you once did for me. It's okay that I'm not in your life anymor because you're okay without me. I'm okay that that you're okay. I love you and all I want is for you to be okay. If you're okay, then I'm okay- even if I'm crying and I don't seem the happiest. I'm okay and I'll be okay.
