It's not quite 3 AM, it's 2:17 AM on June 27, 2015. It's been a month since you've broken up with me, it has been a very long month, just 11 days ago we would've celebrated 6 months. I celebrated without you & with a different guy. His name was Vodka, he tasted toxic against my lips and it was wonderful.
Oh my god, I am over it. I'm so fucking over it, I am way fucking over it. I swear to fucking god I am way over this whole heart break thing. I'm so done with this shit. It's so god damn pathetic, you're just a fucking boy from nowhere Nebraska and yet you make my head spin. Yes, my head swirling, and there is a hurricane going on in there. I am a hurricane of rage and heart break and hate and love.
The opinions I have about you have changed drastically... someone told me that I'm not the kind of girl that you just carelessly throw away and forget. And they were right, I'm not that kind of girl. I'm that kind of girl who will be nice to you regardless of what you've done to me, and every time you think of me- I hope you get the taste of blood in your mouth. I hope you think of how much I loved you, and how much you've made me cry. I hope you think of how I refuse to date anymore because I'm done with people and their fucking need to take everything from me and leave me bankrupt. I'm so fucking sick of thinking that you're going to come back to me one day- because you won't. You'll never come back and you'll never think of me. You'll never have any regret for ignoring me and then telling me that I wasn't worth it.
You will never know how much it hurts to hear that you're not worth time. That pain is indescribable, especially when it comes from someone you love. Someone I pictured being with for a very long time, someone who I wanted to make happy but apparently I can't even fucking do that. I can't make someone I love happy, and I feel like a failure. I can't do anything right, thanks for that lesson.
My mental illness may be back- full swing- but don't flatter yourself. This isn't all because of you. This is because I've realized how horrible of a person I am. Look at where I am, I'm 16 & I don't even have a person to go to talk to when I'm crying at 4 AM, I've driven away. I'm so young, I shouldn't be alone, I should be able to have someone to tell me that I'm not alone. I don't have anyone to trust because they'll all tell me that I need to go back to crazy house. I need to go there and think about all of the pain I've brought on other people, I need to think about all of the wrongs I've done on other people, I need to think about how toxic I am, and that I'm the one who is making everyone miserable because I feel miserable because they are the ones telling me that I'm not worth it and that I never will be.
What I need is a hug and a shoulder to cry on because I can't describe what it's like to be in love with someone you're starting to hate without using only word: hurricane.
All I know is that I'm caught in this storm and there isn't going to be anyone to protect me. There won't be anyone to make the sun shine again and make flowers grow in the darkest parts of my mind. There isn't anything going in me, nothing but this storm. This hurricane is intense, more intense than any other storm that I've been in and I don't know what to do because it's stronger than me.
I don't know how to describe my love for you, other than the word: hurricane.
