whatever i've done - l.dh

16

"Strawberry kisses taste so good to me
간지러운 느낌 달아 어지러웠지
머리가 핑 돌아 Oh you're so sweet
그댄 Like the first time"

03/03/2023

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hollow. he felt hollow. all this touring only made him more sick. he wanted to go home. he wanted nothing more than to go home. he felt so sick to the stomach from all of this. even though he proposed the break, he wasn't expecting that type of reaction from her. the desperation in her voice. it sounded like she would've started to cry. he didn't want to be the reason yujie cried. if she cried, a part of him would've ran back to her and begged her to stop crying.

while he had a lot of stress having to watch the female subtly and not subtly expose their relationship, this was probably worse. that stomach aching feeling that he just couldn't let pass by. why was he so god damn distressed? he wished he could find the strength to go back to her. but he also resented her in a way.

that resentment made it so much harder for him to even consider talking to her. he was so sick of worrying about what the company would say to all of this, he was so sick of fearing what fans would do to him and others when they realized they were actually dating. he had seen hate messages before on his page and he disregarded it, but he knew the minute it was announced that everything would go to hell.

he was sick of it all, but he was more sick of feeling like he hurt her. he had seen her instagram post, and he saw her story. while he tried to translate the story, it just didn't work out for him. he saw how people were comforting her and even her caption. she was lying. she had to be. he tried searching for translations of her story, but gor nothing in the end.

this was not the time to be hung over her, right? right? haha. it was giving him a headache at this point to try to think about her. the thought and memory of her being a thin line of bad and good. it was hard to say that he could imagine talking to her. at least for right now. he was contradicting himself in real time again. letting out a sigh, he tried to think positively and to get his mind off of this entire situation. it was for the best either way.

right. for the best. he needed this break. as much as a consistent yujie was in his life, he needed a break from it. he felt like her little toy some days. other days he felt loved. other days he felt nothing more than someone for her comfort. it was hard to be close to someone like her. she was a walking red flag. but he chose to ignore it because of how she truly showed that she cared for him.

he felt sick again. he needed to stop thinking about her before he broke from all of this. he was barely able to hang on to his sanity. he felt so deprived of everything. it was harder to smile and laugh, especially during the tour concerts.

just get your mind off of it. he could only hope that he would be able to let it go for just a minute so he could feel free. they're just taking a break. we weren't even in a relationship. it's fine. he could only lie to himself.

haechanahceah