Avneil💕❣️

𝐑𝐄𝐃𝐈𝐑𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒🖤

After so long...
A long one so take ur time to read

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For most of my childhood, I said yes to any classmate or frnd who asked for my help. This habit carried on into adulthood where I took on tasks, I didn't had the capacity for. I went above and beyond for my frnds and coworkers, even at the cost of my mental health and well being. I hated saying no to people. Bcz of this personality trait, I often found myself in one-sided friendships with individuals who didn't had best interests at heart for me. And in the end, rather than being alone, I kept frnds in life who weren't actually very nice to me at all.

I had a bestfriend, Juhi since school times (atleast I considered her my bestfriend). We used to spend alot time together hanging out and enjoying ourselves. I always made myself available for her whenever she needed me. I always tried my best to help her in her tough times cz as a frnd it was my duty, I fulfilled it with my whole heart and the worst she could do to me was dating my boyfriend behind my back. She literally broke our years of frndship as well as my trust and cherry on top was she behaved like it was normal and not too much happened. All the other so called frnds from our group supported her advising me not to overreact over a small thing as my bf Vidyut never actually liked me, he was interested in Juhi instead. So it was all fine and not a big deal for them.....
I didn't cared about Vidyut at this point, cz I knew when you are a people pleaser to a fault, it is common to give the benefit of the doubt to the people you care about and sometimes it results in your pain, your sacrifice, your mistreatment..
THIS IS NOT OKAYYY!!!

If you are the one making sacrifices and always getting the short ends of the stick in your relationship, it is more than just an oversight. The biggest red flag for me was the way I felt around Vidyut. When he was with me I usually felt unwanted, awkward, out of the place and inferior. I felt forgotten and used.

I realised all my frnds were just toxic and never really cared how I felt..

They didn't said anything to me directly, but the words travel through the grapevine so they reach me eventually.

"... it's just that you're too much drama."

Who knows if its a misquote or a paraphrase - it doesn't matter. The sentiment is the same and it worms its way under my skin and stays there for a very long time.

Everyone knows the "drama" frnd.
They are the one who is surrounded by chaos and nothing is ever easy or straightforward.

The insidious implication is that they manufacture the drama, manipulate situations to play the victim, to position themselves as the centre of attention again and again. They are exhausting; they are relentless. They are too much.
That was the label that had been slapped onto me.

I use the word 'slapped' with intent here, bcz that was what it felt like at the time. A slap to the face. A sucker punch to the gut. That sickening feeling that settles low in your stomach heavy like cement.

I'd like to add a little context.
I was in my early twenties at the time, we all were, me and this group of frnds who had labelled me "too much drama"
My life was admittedly quite tumultuous at the time. I was coming out the other side of a breakup and discovering the "wonder" that was alcohol and night-clubbing.

I was dealing with a changing body shape while still suffering from an eating disorder.

I had no grasp on alcohol moderation (something I'd never learn until I eventually become sober) and I was diagnosed with a generalised anxiety disorder and depression.
All in all - I was a bubbling pot of emotions. I was chaotic, I know this. I felt out of control in so many aspects of my life and it couldn't help but emerge in my behaviour.

I was using a crazy party lifestyle as a coping method and that wasn't my frnd's scene at that time.  So there was distance already forming btwn us. They took more and more steps away from me until I raised the issue with them and with those parting words - "too much drama"
They were more or less gone from my life.

I have no issue with setting down boundaries with frnds or people who I find draining. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first and stepping back from a relationship that you feel has become toxic. I have made this move myself in the past. Making a conscious decision to remove myself from the lives of people who I know that emotionally and mentally, I no longer have the capacity to deal with.

It hurts, yes, but sometimes its necessary.

But there are kinder words to use, gentle methods. There was a ruthlessness to the words "too much drama" and these words lodged themselves somewhere deep in my heart, my mind and my soul and haunted me for years.

Maybe if I hadn't been going through so much mentally that time, the words might have slid off my back but what I did instead was attach those words to my struggles. My disorder and mental health were  "drama"

For years afterwards I would panic when I let people know how if I was doing poorly for fear that it would be "too much"for them.

Women are often told they are "too much" we are too loud, too quiet, too loose, too frigid. Our clothes are too short, too long, too tight, too billowy, too masculine, too feminine.

We can never win when it comes to society's expectations.

We try to tread an oh-so fine line of being palatable, easy to consume. Perhaps this is why I grasped the concept of "too much drama"so intensely and let it wreck my way of thinking for so long. I had been trained by the world after all to take those "too much" statements to heart and listen to them and obey them.

I am always worried, people will get sick of me. I am always worried I am not worth the efforts.

Thats the reason I'm so confused about Neel. He proved to be a real gem in this world of fake and toxic people. He always listened to my irritating talks so calmly without judging me. He stood by my side be it any situation. Indeed he is a true frnd and I like him but I very well know that I can't use him for my selfishness. I know I will always be his true friend and support him, I will take care of him and his family, I will always support him but unfortunately I can't give him the love he deserves from his partner. Instead of waiting for him like a shy bride on our first night..me Avni the great is writing down her feelings in this diary. Well there was nobody for me to listen my problem so I used to write it down in my diary but now I have Neel who will always help me I know very well I don't even regret the decision of marrying him but I doubt will i be able to love him the way he loves me..?

I know he is ready to wait for me but will I be able to fulfill all the expectations of him and his family..I donno...but will try my best..we can be frnds if not possible partners.

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Avni left writing the diary as she heard a knock on the door...she went to open the door.....unaware if her marriage will led to new redirections in her life or not...

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