I accept the video call, I see someone who is my friend calling me to make me smile, give me the tea on things I now miss and can't experience.
I am reminded of others who I have trusted to then be reminded of the trust that I regretted giving out as the tears of betrayal runs down my pale cheeks, as I feel the emotion that I confidently told you about, how I feel like I can't trust anyone and I expect them to leave and get sick of me, you then tell me that "you're not like that!" For me to love and care about you, now every second, every hour, every day, every month, and the give or take years I've trusted you to just throw it away, you remind of what all who before you told me the same thing, I'm to much, I'm over dramatic, I'm needy, I'm annoying, I'm ugly, and no one can love me if I don't love myself when you make me feel like what's the point? I am reminded of the things you say I need to love but I can't because you keep telling me everything I can't love about myself.
Why do I need to love myself when I can't find anyone to love me for me and not what everyone says I will be if I'm not me?
How am I supposed to trust anyone when it's always the same thing regarding any human being I encounter on a daily basis, I'm stuck feeling lost when I don't know who I am because I am told that I need to love myself and not care what anyone thinks when no matter what no one really love me for me?
I know that part of me loves with my whole heart and the feeling of worry always takes over my body and wants to change so I won't miss out on feeling a semi love, a fake love because I can't stand to be alone? I cannot fathom of how it would feel to be alone but then I have to remind myself I do know what it feels like to be alone because the true me, the one who needs the loves the most is alone by herself because the fake me has taken shape to look like me, to hide her, to be ashamed of her because of the hurt that has been dealt to us has broken all parts of me.
I give you my trust to everyone from the lack shield I put up so the real me can be safe, the strength of myself breaks it every time, I give my all to a person, the real me exists for a period of time just to be hurt again for my fake me to say "I told you!" so as I am pushed back down because even through the fake me is something I myself created and can be viewed as bad shows me love to the real me that one else has, no matter how fake my other self is, the real me values the protection and love I feel from something so fake because it's the only thing I can love about myself, no matter what I do I will always love myself the most even if that part is fake but the broken person I am knows I won't find love and protection in anyone else because no one has given it to me.
Right now the real me is out but from the hurt I felt, the strength to be myself grows weaker and weaker because of how much I have been hurt, the real me is slipping away and disappearing from my body to make me feel even worse to know that the real me is ceasing to exist, the real me is dying every day.
I'm scared because I don't think there is no going back this time around because the feeling of defeat has emerged both me and fake me to the point where I can't tell which is which? The hurt has broken the world between them both for them to break and connect to make me question my identity, to question my sanity.
This has scared me, given me the feeling of dread fills my body to just become numb, fake me is tired from protecting the me that is so valued to where it's likes that side is dying too, all of me has been beaten and bruised to where both sides merge to comprehend the hurt we have gone through to break the barrier so both can co-live with each other as a precaution that I myself built from the first time I have gotten hurt.
I feel like I'm disappearing from the world to become a shell of someone that the world was meant to break, I will become one that was never meant to be anyone but broken.
