"Okay." I say that now, and to most it means okay but to me, so many words are hidden in one.
"Okay." Is now what I say because of the feeling of loneliness, I say okay now because before I would say without thinking, "Please don't leave me!"
"Okay." Used to be, "I need you!"
"Okay." Means "I thought you would be the one to not leave this time."
Why does okay have to be my safe word for someone who told me the same thing as the last person, "You're over dramatic." "God! Stop overthinking! It's annoying!" "You're to much for me."
I say okay now because like so many others, they say the same thing to me, I hear it on a daily basis.
I say "Okay." Now because I don't want to keep saying "I'm sorry, I've heard this before too and they told me that I'm to much." I feel guilty for questioning a person, I think that just this time, okay will only have a single meaning just to be proven correct like all the times before.
I want to say okay having to not feel hurt to say such a simple word because it's means so many things.
I tell you "it's okay I don't want to go." "It's okay! Really I don't care!" "It's okay I
understand!" When okay to me means I'm not okay, I'm hurt, I'm bruised and I'm broken, I am sorry that I am to much, I hide it, I hide myself under the simplest of word's because I know it will never be different.
"Okay." I say okay because of the memories of me fighting for someone who meant something to me tell me the sentences that are hidden in such a word, I enlarge the small word in so many way's because I don't understand why I always fight for someone.
"Okay." I numbly tell the most recent victim of my ways of insecurities because I know I can't say hidden meanings because I know that they won't fight for me.
"Okay." Escapes my mouth when I know that my feelings no one cares about, I say these words because I know that okay doesn't have hidden meaning's for others.
I fight, fight, and fight for people who don't have words upon words and emotions of many hidden behind four letters.
"Okay" means "I can't chase another one."
"Okay." Means more to me in so many ways that I'm not proud of.
"Okay." Means I'm done fighting for people who don't want to fight for me, I'm tired of feeling alone because my dumb heart makes me care every time.
"Okay." Means I'm done giving people the benefit of doubt even when I feel it deep down, it's not worth it.
"Okay, if that's what you feel, then don't talk to me anymore, I'm not a charity case, I'm not some who deserves this, I'm a person who wants to feel love, I want to have someone I know who will always be there, I'm not asking you to fake a friendship, I'm asking you to tell me the truth, I'm not going to tell you how I feel again, how somethings some effect when I know you know, I don't have it in me anymore to fight to keep anyone in my life, I'm done not being wanted." But in other words, that sentences mean, "okay."
