I feel terrible because I'm scared I'm gonna lose everything again, I thought this year was going to be my year, I started school and that's good, but I lost my job and people who I thought were my friends, they took the first opportunity to get rid of me, I was used and hurt by them, I trusted them and I made the mistake to trust them.
I'm scared to lose the only friend I got left and I feel like I am now, I trusted she isn't like that but then I'm reminded I always seem to be the problem, I'm always the one who's too much, I get to be the last choice, I get to be no one's person, I get to be the one who's just there and half the time I am forgotten, like I don't exist, I don't mean anything to anyone.
I feel guilty because I trusted them, I thought for the first time I had people in my life who accepted me for me just to find out I was always right, no one would choose me, no one would pick me first, I feel like the numbness is to much for anyone to think I am just being over dramatic when I'm realty I'm just broken.
I feel stressed because I don't know how to keep it all together, I don't know what to do, I believe in God, I know he's there but I'm scared that he just wants me to keep losing everything over and over again, I get to regain something and he wants to take it away, I trust him and I love him but I always seem to be the one who has to suffer.
I feel worried because I know we are at a point where we can lose everything, we can be on the streets, I'm worried I will lose the bed I got after 6 months of sharing a bed with my mom in a tiny motel room, I'm worried that I will have to starve one day or multiple days so we can at least keep a car to live in, with 2 dogs, I'm worried we will not be able to keep that car to even live in because we have no where else to go, I'm worried about everything I worked so hard for will continue to be for nothing.
I feel overwhelmed because all I want to do is overthink, I overwhelm myself with my own thoughts thinking of how I keep getting hurt, I overwhelm myself with memories from a time where I didn't realize was me being happy, I have the overwhelming feeling I get from remembering that all of it was fake, I was nothing, I hate the overwhelming feeling of being nothing.
I feel hopeless because I don't have it in me to fight for anything anymore, even if I'm so scared to lose everything all over again, that I feel so hopeless because I don't know if I have any fight left to fight my fears, I hate the hopeless feeling of still loving when all it's done is hurt me, the hopeless feeling of remembering all of the things that I lost I can never get back, and even if I could get them back, I know they wouldn't want me back.
I'm scared because I know what it's like to lose everything and every time I continue to hope it's finally my turn to not lose anything, I'm scared because I have conditioned myself to alway be prepared to lose everything again, I'm scared of my thoughts because it seems that no matter how hard I try, I lose.
I lost my dad, I lost my great grandmother, I lost my grandpa, I lost the town house I loved to live in, I lost my happiness at a house that drained me, I lost my car, I lost the second place I loved to live at, I lost the last place I could call home, I lost my pets, I lost friends who i thought were my real friends, I lost my identity, I know I said I lost a lot and I know so many people have lost more, I'm so sorry you lost so much and it sucks, when can I end the list of lost?
I'm scared.
