The summer is over and college kids are getting ready for a new start. Can Hero forgive Jo and pick up where they left of? Or are they better apart, as friends. The distance, their schedules, the fame and other disturbances truly don't help their ca...
The next day I decide to go for a run when getting up. I am about to knock on dads room to see if he would like to come, when Nate walks by telling me he is already out running, with Hero. What is it with these two best buds all of a sudden? He offers to run with me instead which I gladly accept.
When we get back the others are already seated for breakfast and another person has joined us. She introduces herself as Sarah, Milas friend, who's family has a cabin not far from ours, dad even knows them. Her parents left back to Boston today and Alan and Mila invited her to join us for the day. I am guessing this is the girl Alan was pushing on Hero last night. Apparently he succeeded since she is here.
After breakfast everyone decides to go on the boat, fishing. Ed struggles with sea sickness so he stays behind and I use that excuse for staying behind as well. Soph joins us too and the three of us drive to town to get some supplies and drink frappes. Three days in the woods and we already miss the city life haha. I dont particularly and could live out here in the woods, on this cabin, but not while watching Sarah drooling and trying to flirt with Hero.
The day in town spent with Ed and Soph is the best. We buy books, vintage wine, new water glasses for the cabin as we have found out this weekend we haven't enough and it was on sale. We have crab and drink Mimosas for lunch. And stroll through the pebble streets of the cute small town which is my absolute favorite now in the fall.
Its already dark when we arrive back to the cabin. There was a car accident on the freeway and we were stuck in traffic for three hours. The boat people have long come back, even with fish in hand. Aiden and Hero are barbecuing a little further away from the others who are sitting around a bonfire.
I eat the delicious fish while watching Sarah and Hero interact, its nothing concrete, but it stings all the same. At the same time I can't take my eyes off of them. Finn comes to sit beside me and emerges in a conversation with me about Nike and cooperate America. Its dull and at the same time fascinating how this funny, corky, crazy, living on the edge guy is one of the smartest people to have good conversations about the social structure of our country and the social injustice in it. It isn't before Finn has to take a piss that I turn my attention to the others and hear Alan teasing Hero about a date he had that had turned bad. I dont know if its the wine, the story or too much Sarah tonight that gets me. But, its too much for my ears and heart so I go inside needing a moment.
Shit! I hope no one noticed anything. Everyone has had couple glasses so that should work in my favor.
H: You ok?
I should be so lucky
I turn around surprised that he came after me: "Yeah. I am fine"
I take out a Red Bull from the fridge
H: You sure. You kind of just bolted out of there?
J: I am fine
He nods and looks down at his shoes
"I just wasn't prepared to hear about your dates yet" - and I drink up
He stops in his tracks. His head shoots up and he stares into my eyes, clearly questioning my words
H: You and I aren't dating! – he says confused
J: No, we are not
H: And it's not my fault that we aren't
J: Okay...
H: I guess what I mean is I don't see why it bothers you. You don't want me, but I can't date other people either?
J: Of course, you can
H: So, what's the problem?
J: There is none.
He nods
H: Okay then – he turns and starts walking back outside
J: I just think you move on quickly – I say loudly enough for him to hear and move in the kitchen. He stops and turns back around, looking at me – "I would think it would take a little longer to get over... us"
H: You're mad at me because I don't sit around and mope over you? - he asks with furrowed brows and a questioning stare
J: Not mope, but yeah, some time would nice, at least until I get the chance to walk out the door properly
He snickers, in a condescending way
H: I can't win with you, can I? You said no Jo. Remember? You can't dump my ass and then ban me from dating other people - he is getting frustrated
J: I am not banning you from anything... clearly - as am I, but I have no idea why honestly. He is right, I have no say here. Still I can't win over myself.
H: I am not stepping on any toes here Jo. Don't make me feel guilty for your own insecurities.
J: My insecurities?
H: Yes
J: What's that supposed to mean?
H: That somewhere in there you still have feelings for me but, you overthink, and overanalyze everything and I don't live up to the fairytale standards you have set up for me to be, so you are pushing me away. Because that's easier... But, those feelings are still there and you hate yourself for it. You are standing in your own way of something that could be great, and even you know it. And it makes you bitter and and it makes you sad. And it makes you ramble about stupid shit like how I am talking about a date I had... a year ago.
I stare at him dumbfounded. He has caught me completely off guard. How does he see that? How does he see things more clearly than I do? Sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself.
J: and Sarah? – I ask quietly. I am embarrassed, but can't hide my smile.
H: What about her? - he asks annoyed
J: Do you want to date her? – I ask, afraid of the answer but, I have to know.
H: No! I don't want to date Sarah. I don't want to date anyone. I want to date you. I want to be with you Josephine. But, I can't have you. Because you don't want me.
I stand there watching him. Omg! I am confused, relived, embarrassed and mostly I feel sorry for myself. He snickers and bites his lower lip, and shakes his head about to walk out the door again
J: Hero - I call out for him
He doesn't move, I take a long stride towards him and brush by his arm to stop him
J: Hero, please – I almost whisper, which makes him turn around with my hand still on his arm :" I... - I come up short I have no idea what I want to say to him. But I don't want him to go. I am so conflicted. All the time when it comes to him. I hate it.
He waits for me to say something.
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I move in to kiss him.
He stops me.
H: I can't keep on doing this. I can't end up in the same bed as you every time we are in the same room. I want more Joss. I want you, all of you, not just bits and pieces here and there. Until I can't have that, I can't do this.
I am speechless.
I don't know what I want from him. I want him close and to hold me. That's the only thing I know. But to really try again with him, really. I don't know that I am there. No matter how much I clearly still love him.
