falling - the sequel

can we remove the masks now?

Next weekend Gemma and I are walking up the pathway to Dela&Freddies house where Theos birthday party is being held. He had to change location last minute as his mum got the flu and had to stay home instead of traveling abroad. But, Dela and Freddies house was just a few houses away and their parents were kind enough to check into a hotel for the night letting the kids use the house. I haven't been here since Hero and I kissed (and started us) at the hang out with his friends eight months ago.

G: Stop fidgeting

J: I can't - I try shaking my arm one more time

G: Here, take another swing - she hands me the pocket-bottle she has poured pomegranate vodka into. I take a sip, then another, closing my eyes and shaking my head like it will help me swallow the harsh burn on my tongue

Last night Theo texted me that Hero was in town and would attend tonights party. I was really looking forward to this party, Gemma even changed shifts, but now as I know he is inside that house I am a nervous wreck. 

Its the unknown. I hate it. I hate being in that state. I know how I feel about him, but now I also know the things that Theo told me about how he feels about me. And its making me go crazy. I know I want him, but I have no idea how to approach him and what if all the stuff Theo said were just his perseption of how Hero is doing or dealing with us. That Hero himself is over it and is dating a girl in Barcelona, far better than me. It sucks wanting something so bad, and not being able to have it. I wish I could just blurt out what I feel, but I can't. I dont want to make a fool of myself and I dont want to lose all my dignity and pride. 

J: Maybe we should just go back home

G: Shut up and drink that - she pushes the bottle to my lips and I take another drink

She rings the doorbell and turns to me,

G: Just chill. You want him, he wants you. Its gonna be a hell'of a good night

As I swing my arm around her shoulders and pull her to me to kiss her cheek the door opens

D: Jooo - Dela squeals, already a few drinks in it seems, throws her arms around me for a hug

Gemma and her greet and we follow her inside. She tells us the whereabouts of the few people I know at this party, and where the food is, drinks, bathrooms, dancing, pool table, darts... She forgets that I have been here before and know the outline of the house. But I guess its okay to know that basement and 1st floor are party, 2nd floor is off limits. Unless I get drunk and need to sleep then I am free to take her room, or one of the two guest rooms. Someone calls out for her and she disappears leaving Gemma and me standing in the dining area. We leave Theos present in the kitchen, high above on a shelf, and go straight for the drinks. There are about 30 people here on the 1st floor, in the kitchen, dining room, living room area but, none that I know. I suspect that the crew is downstairs in the games area. As I need a little more alcohol in my system before I am ready to face him, we make drinks and stay in the kitchen. 

Only ten minutes later Freddie comes into the kitchen dancing and humming to some song, he stops abruptly when he sees me

F: Heeey... you are here - he comes over and embraces me

J: I am - I smile

F: Who's your hot friend? - he smiles as we pull away

I hit his arm: "This is Gemma, Gem... Freddie, Delas brother"

They shake hands and greet each other

F: Why are you standing here in the kitchen... grab a few drinks... lets go downstairs, everyone is there - he starts collecting different bottles from the counter and fridge

J: Thats what I am afraid of - I say under my breath, but Freddie catches me and gives me a cheeky smile

F: Come on, he has been checking the staircase like a madman

I furrow my brows for a second until it sinks in what he is talking about which makes me smile and blush. Freddie just smiles shaking his head: "Kids in love these days" - he says in a mocking girlish voice. I hit his arm again as we grab a few bottles too and head downstairs.

True to his action, Hero is watching us as we are walking down the stairs. I catch his stare quickly. My eyes have a life and will of their own, instantly searching for him in any room. Freddie leads us over to where they are standing playing flip-football, two teams of two-two and the rest standing around, drinking, talking, laughing, joking and cheering. 

"Jo" "Jo-jo" - I hear from the familiar faces that I have missed and it makes me smile from the deepest of my heart. I really love these people and have felt welcome around them since day one. I felt they turned their backs on me after Hero and I broke up, but in reality as I have had time to process and think it through no one turned their back on me. It was I who didnt want anything to do with them thinking they were his friends and not mine. In reality they never took sides, maybe they did when I wasn't around, but in front of me and towards me they were always nice and friendly. And I love them deeply, seeing them now all together in this familiar habitant (and with a few drinks in my system) makes my heart grow even bigger for them. 

We all greet and hug, I go the rounds, Gemma follows shaking their hands, introducing each other, I am not sure what to do when its Heros turn, luckily he takes a step forward and embraces me in a light, awkward hug. My heart momentarily flutters as his scent fills my nostrils and I take a deep breath, inhaling as much of him as I can get in those short seconds our hug lasts. 

Its Gemmas turn to greet him, 

G: Finally we meet properly Tiffin

He chuckles

H: Its my pleasure Thompson

G: Oh the pleasure is all mine believe me

I give them a weird look, but loving the playful interaction. I dont have time to give it much more thought as something else catches my eye across the flip-football table, Dela coming over to Theo and kissing him. A surprised, but pleasant smile grows on my lips. Theo& I make eye contact when they part and I raise my eyebrows, he shrugs,

T: Break is over

which makes me smile even wider: "I am glad" - I tell them both, they smile and go back to share another kiss

Gemma goes upstairs to greet Rob as she invited him and he is now outside the house. Alfie invites me to play flip-football, to team up with him against Hero and Dela. We have so much fun, I suck at table football. I mean I am not particularly good in regular football, but this is another level of sucking which gives Hero a lot of ammunition to tease me. And I may be the cause for Alfie and I losing the game but, it kinda breaks the ice between Hero and I. And not just on the surface, but truly it feels like we are like before around each other, totally relaxed and comfortable, teasing each other and saying anything.

Later, during the party, when I come back down after I had been to the upstairs bathroom, a girl is standing beside Hero, trying to show him how to throw right at dart. 

"You are suppose to hold it like this" - she tells him while demonstrating

"I am trying" - he says giving her his charming smile

I find myself watching their interaction as a knot is tying in the pit of my stomach, and I feel like throwing up.

"Here... Hero" - she tries to be funny - "Let me help you" - her eyes and smile never leave her face as her flirt mode is full on. He seems totally whipped as the same smile is on his lips as well. I feel like someone has grabbed my heart and is turning and twisting it around like a wt shirt you are trying to squeeze all the water out of. A lump has taken place in my throat making it hard to breath or speak. I manage to whisper to Gemma beside me that I am going upstairs to get another drink and quickly bolt. 

While I am in the kitchen pouring something, I have no idea what I have grabbed, Dela comes and drags me by the arm "He is an asshole, lets go dance". I smile and let her lead me to the living room and the made-up dance floor for this party. She changes the music to 1D right away, being the thing that bonded us from the start. We fangirl together and its the best. Which song she asks. "Strong" - I request as we both smile knowingly. She turns up the volume to max as we dance away our problems.