"she plays guitar?" wilbur soot x reader

why do you hate birthdays?

tw: eds (bulimia, anorexia), childhood abuse, addictions, every tw in this book will continue to show up here and there so if i forget to put it im sorry, but also, you know what youre getting into

this chapter is basically just an explanation, so it might be a bit longer/shorter than the rest.
(dont skip it, its sorta important)

(for legal reasons, this character is no longer based off of me)

Y/n POV

I watch as the boys leave my room, trying my best to keep it together until then. When they finally close the door behind them, I run over to it and lock it with a hair pin. I break down in tears and panic as soon as I drop to the ground. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" are the words that have haunted my life for years. I don't want anyone remembering I even have one.

When I was little, like 8 or so, I was super hyped up for my birthday. I was at a chubby age back then. I had soft cheeks and occasionally looked pregnant, but I was a child. I didn't care.

At 9, I had begun growing weary at the sight of birthday cake, but nothing happened. I simply ate it, but with less joy than others.

At 10, I started contemplating not eating any cake or anything, but mum said that she spent lots of money on it. I knew for a fact she was lying, because the cake had a discount tag on it as well as the 4£ price tag. It's not often you get to feel the way I felt that day.

At 11, my life crumbled. My mother had taken a liking to emotionally abuse me. She called me fat and autistic for the most part, but occasionally dropped something about worthlessness or something along those lines. I developed anorexia and bulimia as my depression grew worse. I also developed an addiction. Multiple, at that.

Alcohol, smoking, self harm. Anything you could get a trip off of, I did. I tried mushrooms at one point, but ended up in the hospital, so I didn't continue with that one.

That birthday was spent with Tom on the porch of our house. Mum had locked us out after screaming at us for hours, so I celebrated my birthday almost freezing to death with my little clueless brother next to me. He looked quite giddy, to be fair.

I remember giving my coat and thick winter boots to Tom so that he wouldn't die. He was tiny. Fragile, even. I didn't have much on, so I smoked, that way I would stay warm. When Tom asked me what it was, I said "stress relief". He wanted to try, but I said that only adults can use them and that I had gotten dad's permission.

Of course, by then dad wasn't around, but who cares? Tom believed me.

As I turned older, it was mine and Tom's tradition to spend my birthday doing stupid shit. I usually taught him how to stream and gain viewers on youtube, but after my habits and mental health took over my entire mind, I was also with Jared. Tom had gotten his own friends by then and I had gotten myself a toxic relationship. Wonderful, huh?

When I eventually ended up going to the hospital, I tried committing in there. It was clever. I had stolen a rope from the safety kit in the pool. It had a rope for whatever reason, and I saw it as an opportunity. I obviously didn't succeed, but I did get out of the hospital eventually by being a great liar.

By then, I had decided to end my life in Germany. I went as soon as I got the chance. I always wanted to travel there, and dying there? That's just something to yearn for.

When I went to Germany, though, I met Niki. She helped me heal a bit and I grew slightly stronger. By then, I had broken up with Jared and was no longer being followed everywhere.

I was however getting drunk every single chance I could. It was starting to turn into alcoholism, but I hid it from Niki. When she did know, I excused it with "I'm on vacation, who's counting?"

I haven't celebrated my birthday since I was 11.

I've spent my birthdays without Tom since I was 15.

I've forgotten about my birthday since I was 15

I've hated January since I was 15.

"Why do you hate your birthday?" Tom asked me when I was 16 or so.

"Because it's unneeded. But, on the 9th of April, we're going to go to the amusement park together, okay?"

"Okay! My birthdays are always the best because of you!"

"I try..." I said, blowing smoke out of my mouth as I looked at the blonde boy slightly. I remember the smile he gave me. It was a silent, thankful and pitiful smile mixed with his bright blue eyes, which expressed pity more than anything else.

All of this had piled up into an uncontrollable need for something.

It's called death.

It's not often I have the actual chance to kill myself without any interruptions, but this is one of them. The thing is, for the first time ever, I don't think it'll be best for me to die now. I have a wonderful brother who wants me around. I have wonderful friends and a possible future with... Still, the darkness always overcomes the light.

I reach for a blade on the floor and go at my thighs. I get a few on my wrists as well, but I decide to overdose instead of just cutting my veins open.

I get up, faintly trying to walk. I feel so weak, I hear laughter from downstairs and slightly smile. It's Tom whose laugh makes me happy.

Fuck me, I'm not ending like this.

I walk over to my closet and simply pretend like nothing has happened, like it's a normal morning. I've learned to force my body to pretend to be okay. When I get dizzy, I simply ignore it most of the time. When I can't walk, I pretend like it's easy. When I feel like how I feel now, I either blame it on the morning or just walk it off.

I choose an outfit I think would be fit for going out shopping. A Billzo hoodie and grey oversized cargo pants, accompanied by a messenger bag and red converse. I go over to my desk and turn on a light so I could do my makeup. I need to cover up these eye bags.

I do a simple look, turn off my lamp and unlock my door. Who would've thought I just had a panic attack?

No one, hopefully.

——————
WOOOOO

that was so much harder to write than any of yall could ever imagine.

this character is definitely not based off of me, but if it would, which it is not, i would be crying, but im not, because the character isnt based off of me :'))))