ma's mine, ashtray

thirteen

chapter thirteen 

!!trigger warning: mention of suicidal themes and od

Dinner was awkward, and I'll tell you that. I can tell Fez knows somethings up as Ash and I didn't look in each other's direction the whole of dinner. Ash was giving Faye more attention than me and that shows something wrong. Fez and Faye were fast asleep and I couldn't sleep due to Faye's loud snoring coming from the couch opposite mine. I'd been scrolling through Instagram for hours now but I was too worried about Rue to sleep. I was stalking Maddy's Instagram when I got a text from an unknown number. I clicked on the message to see it was the same number ash had been texting me on. I really need to add his name to the contact. 

asstray:

- can we talk 

I rolled my eyes at the message. He will say can we talk but I'll go upstairs and he won't say a word. 

asstray:

we talked yesterday- 

- cmon ma

don't call me ma -

- can we just talk 

read by kenz 

-  kenz?

I opened the door to his room without knocking and closed it behind me. 

"What ashtray? what do you want?" I snapped. He was sitting on his bed, holding his phone in one hand and running the other hand over his head. Unfortunately or fortunately, he was shirtless.

He looked up from his phone and placed it next to him, "Can we properly talk? so I can explain?" 

"Go ahead," I scoffed. Sitting on the very end of his bed, waiting for him to hopefully, actually apologise. 

He took a deep breath, "ma-."

"hmm?" I hummed, keeping my eyes off him. 

"Kenz. I'm not good at this nice shit but I'm going to try-"

"yeah you better fucking try," I mumbled under my breath, just loud enough for him to hear." 

He took another deep breath. I can tell I'm pissing him off. "I'm really sorry Kenz. I should have talked to you and told you about her instead of just ignoring you. I know I fucked up and I'm really sorry." His words almost sounded like he'd thought a few times about what he was going to say and made sure it meant something. But even then, it sounded truthful. 

I kept my eyes off him and sighed to myself. I wasn't sighing because I was mad or upset or anything at him. I was sighing because I know I'm about to forgive him. 

"I'm not mad you cheated on her. She fucking deserved it I'll tell you that. I mean, I probably would have cheated on her too if I was you and I saw a chance to get with me. I'm just mad you got with me when you had a girlfriend. It makes me feel less valued. I don't want to be a side piece ashtray." 

I could feel his eyes burning into the side of my head as I looked away from him, "I'm really sorry kenz. I really didn't mean to make you feel like that. I knew I was doing something wrong." 

I finally turned to look at him. I shouldn't have because I almost melted at the intense eye contact he was giving me and the way he genuinely looked sorry. "Then why'd you do it?" 

"I know this almost just makes it worse, but I don't want to lie to you. I did it because I just couldn't help myself," he replied. 

I couldn't help but smile at his attempt at a compliment, "You're so fucked up ash." 

He smiled to himself at the success in making me smile, "Don't say that like you're not ma." 

-------------------------------

"Kenz." I woke up to see ash standing over me. I went to sleep on the couch in ash's room last night after we decided to take things slow. 

"Did you hear that?" he whispered. Suddenly there was a huge clash downstairs which made me jump up from the couch. 

"What was that?" I whispered. Ash ran over to his bed and lifted it up, pulling out a glock and making sure it was loaded before opening his door. "what are you doing?" I whisper yelled. 

He lifted a finger to his lips to tell me to be quiet, "don't fucking follow me. stay here." 

I shook my head and walked up to him, "yeah no." 

"I said stay here," he snapped before shutting his door and leaving the room. I know this isn't the time but I just got fucking butterflies. 

"Rue get out!" I heard fez yell. Rue? I opened ash's door and ran downstairs to see fez trying to take a bottle of pills off rue. 

Rue turned to look at me and frowned, "what the fuck are you doing here?" she yelled. 

"Rue get out," I calmly spoke. Ash had shoved the gun into his waist band and was looking at me with worried eyes. 

She scoffed at me, "So what? You're gonna take their side over your own blood? I'm your fucking cousin Kenz. Remember how you got kicked out and I let you stay with us? Remember when you tried to od on pills and I spent months after it helping you? do you not remember that?" 

My eyes became glossy and my heart dropped when I heard those words. How dare she fucking bring that up in front of my friends. Ash and Fez both turned to look at me before quickly looking back at Rue. 

"Rue. Get the fuck out," I said, raising my voice. 

"Fuck you," she scoffed. 

"Rue. I said get the fuck out!" I yelled. I was trying my hardest to contain the tears that were falling from my eyes but I didn't have much longer before they'd all come out. 

Rue tried to walk away with the pills before fez grabbed her, "Ash, take kenz upstairs."