|The secrets we take to grave|✔︎

6|It's never gonna be the same|

Song for the chapter: Lovely by Billie Ellish, Khalid.

(SIA)

The next series of events are just a time lapsed blur. I remember refusing to go inside as Rituparna aunty cajoles me to take a seat, have water and even talk to her if it ends up making me feel better. I end up pleading to go home instead.That was the fateful moment when Anubhav, shrouded in a white sheet was being carried inside the emergency van to march towards Aniims Port Blair. His grandfather, devastated by this news, had consulted his known pathologist and forensic specialist to conduct an autopsy on his beloved now late grandson.

"Oh Sia. I am so sorry you had to see this" She said, rocking me in a hug.

I have been astounded or more particularly disbelieved on hearing her. The guy you regard for a son has just died and the reason for you to be sorry is that the fiancée of your biological son has got to witness this?

I couldn't make out much from the demeanor of Mr.Sharma either. He did the talking. To the police, to the paramedics. The one who stood frozen on the spot was Gaurav. He asked me to accompany till home. I nodded.

"I overheard your father saying he was seeing a Shrink" I ask Gaurav as I halt ahead of my threshold. I purposely don't want to drag these conversations inside.

Gaurav looks perplexed. He hasn't been prepared for that.

"He was on pills" I say.

"He has been diagnosed with clinical depression four months ago" He nods shortly, looking down.

"Even before..all these mess happened"

He nods again without looking up.

"You knew it. You knew it all along" I try to gulp it down.

"It thought you knew.." He pursed his lips. Oh, he knows so well that he is bad at lying.

"You never considered me worthy of your secrets, did you"

He throws his head behind. "Don't get started Sia. Not now. I just lost my fucking brother"

"Does that even affect.." I zip up my mouth because I hate the words that have been coming out of my mouth.

I regret it and he knows it by my hitched breathing. In vain. It had hit his raw nerve. He shakes his head at my word.

"You have no idea" He mutters with a clenched jaw. "YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHT ITS LIKE TO BE ME"

"I am sorry" I whisper these puny words but he is no longer there. He has stormed off. I have sprinkled off salt in the wounds that he had been healing from. In the wounds we had been healing from. It's all back to square one again.

"Why are the neighbors around?" Jijaji asks as he unlocks the door. I sniff to restrain the fresh tears sticking in my lashes.

"It's over Jiju" I say.

He pads over the porch where I have been standing. He catches me as my knees buckle under me. "It's gonna be okay. Trust me it will". He pecks at the top of my head. Maybe I needed it too much. Not some phony consolation but some re-assurance.

"I shouldn't have said it to him"

He hums. No idea if he has accidentally eavesdropped on us and even if he did, I care the least. "It's hard for you. For both of you"

"Do you think Anubhav did that?"

He pauses before saying. "I had a few sessions with him"

"What?" That definitely has to be the last bit of astonishment my heart could hold for the day.

"That was four months ago, he had a few sessions of CBT with me and in the meantime I had recommended him to Dr. Mitra because he was exhibiting signs of depression. I couldn't prescribe nor diagnose him"

"Did he ever mention dying" I spilled it out, knowing what he would respond.

"I am not supposed to say this you know it"

I nod curtly.

"I hope the Rangat Police respects these work ethics. I am still entitled to his confidentiality even if he is gone now. All I can divulge is that he has not been exhibiting suicidal tendencies at least till we had sessions on the go"

He says wiping the tears off my eyes. "Take your time. Mourn and whenever you feel like talk to Gaurav, apologize to him".

He smiles a little. "Anubhav would always want you two to be happy"

I wonder if he had ever mentioned that in his sessions. I guess he did but the convenience lies not in pushing him. His way of answering me lies in such cryptic words.

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