[15.02.23]
I don't have any idea of who I am
I literally don't know who I am
I had completely lost myself
Even though I know it's not true, it seems like my whole sense of self existed of being with them for the past 1.5 years
My whole emotional life revolved around them
And before that
I was hyperfixated on my toxic-ex-bestfriend
Or on literally any romantic partner / every failed dating stage, ever
I WAS
ALWAYS
DEPENDING
ON SOMEONE ELSE
SO I WOULD'NT HAVE
TO LOOK
INSIDE
MYSELF.I may have reduced my codependent tendencies a lot, over the years.
I haven't had a favorite person since spring 2021.
I worked a lot on creating a sense of selfworth and a daily life I - generally - enjoy living.But I never learned how to be with only myself.
I never learned to be happy only by myself
I always needed to fill this deep ass void by hyperfocusing on someone else
What the actual fuck
I think I'm finally getting to meet myself, even if I don't want to
I think my inner self wants to be met my me
And it's fucking scary
And I hate every second of it
Because I have never felt so goddamn lonely in my entire life.
I don't even like being with myself that much,
And now I get to spend an infinite amount of time only by myself??
And I don't fucking know how this works
I hate this
I hate how I'm feeling now that I'm leaving this weird state of dissociation
Maybe I always chased emotionally unavailable people,
Because I've never learned how to be emotionally present within myself.I love distracting myself from it
I love being there for everyone else and filling my life up with their drama,
So I don't have to look inside myself and actually take care of my inner worldI've been depending on other people to distract me and make me happy - in a way - since I've been, Idk,
16 years old?Nearly 5 fucking years of my youth
I've spent
By never truly being alone by myself
Maybe I don't know who I am
Maybe I've never had a solid sense of identity
Because I've succesfully avoided to ever meet myself
And now I'm here
And I hate it
And I feel so fucking uncomfortable in my skin
And truly, I don't know who I will meet if I really look inside myself
No more romantic interests from now on, I'm done
No more favorite persons for friends;No more obsessing over fucking anyone.
I'm turning 21 in a few days and I have probably never even met myself.
(As someone who has been diagnosed with borderline,)
I think I'm realizing only know that my sense of self has always depended on other peopleI don't know who I am without other people reflecting that back to me
I feel like an empty shell that consists of all the people who have ever been important to me
In a way it's cute,
being a mosaic of all these precious people I've loved in the pastBut where is this little spark inside of me,
The thing called „identity"?Where is „me"?
I've lost and buried it inside of myself a long long time ago
And I'm really afraid of searching for it,
Underneath all of these layers of myself I've created throughout the years- The only thing I can do is being gentle to myself while working through this identity crisis.
It means being honest with myself now
And accepting myself for who I really am.It's work that is long overdue.
I guess time will show what will come out of this
I wish I could say I'm excited,
Or some other motivational shit,
Like I always doBut in fact,
I am not.I'm scared and I'm fucking lost.
There is nothing „beautiful" or „poetic" about this right now.
I can't even romanticize this,
As I usually do with literally everything in my life.It's ugly and brutally honest
It makes me feel like shit
But yea I guess I gotta get through this now;
There is no way around it anymoreI know I will get through this
YOU ARE READING
Memoires of an everchanging spirit
Poetry„Memoir" (french: memory) //unfortunately, I can't turn off the swirling thoughts and memories in my head, but at the same time there is so much I never want to forget this is my life and I want to remember how I felt during these crucial moments w...