The Curse

The Redemption

"You fucking did WHAT?!"

I stood there, owning every inch of the regret that I felt in the depths of my soul. Taryn, my younger cousin who is more like my little sister, went to Woodlawn with Marty and I...she was just 1 year below us, but it didn't matter. Taryn had the energy of someone who was the shit....and OWNED that they were indeed....the shit! She was this tall, lightskin, Amazon Goddess built young woman, whose embrace of self made her seem ethereal.

My cousin was the life of the party. The type where, no matter where in town you went, they knew someone...especially when she was bowling. When i tell you I've never seen something Soo traditional, yet modern (if that makes sense)...everybody knew everybody. There were hugs, and kisses, little hand gestures that in bowling term meant 'good job'. It was definitely a vibe. My aunt, Taryn's mom, had her own thing going on. Picture Taryn, only slightly older, and you got my aunt Redz. I watched her gliding around. From talking her shit to her friends, to reprimanding someone's kid. She was the only one trusted to deal with the money for her team. It was soo cute. What wasn't cute was Taryn standing in front of me, hands on her hips, with her fro puff moving as if it were it's own person.

"I...stopped talking to Tae." I replied quietly.

Taryn stared at me...I couldn't tell if she was digesting what I had just told her.......or she was keeping herself from cursing me out in front of this entire bowling alley. She didn't respond. Instead she approached the floor to take her turn. I watched as she took a deep calming breath, lining her arm with the way that she wanted to throw, released her arm, and allowed the bowling ball to spring to life from her hand. It hit the ground in a deep thud before making its way down the lane. A strike

"Fuck!" I thought, realizing that she was actually upset. She again, took a deep calming breath, before taking a seat next to me.

"Whhhhy...the fuck would you do that.?"

I sat there, quietly, allowing the constant sounds of balls crashing against pins to envelope my senses. It flashed in my mind, all of it. There was nothing for me to do but relive the worst moments of my life. I finally spoke, barely talking above a whisper, barely making eye contact with Taryn...just reliving every moment. "Ok, so after aunt Sugah caught me and Tae holding hands, she got in the car not saying anything. I immediately went after Sugah, leaving Tae just standing there. At first the car ride is deathly silent, which scared the entire shit out of me. It wasn't until we pulled up into the driveway, and she turned off the car and sat there, that i grasped the severity of what was about to happen.

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"I don't want that in my house!" She said quietly...calmly...too calm.

"That was just my fr-"

"I don't WANT that.....in....my house! I don't want it in my house, and i don't want it around my grandson. So you need to figure out what you're going to, because if it's still living here, then there will be NONE of that shit...am i understood?"

It took a moment for me to answer. I found someone that I may actually love. Like head over heels type of gay shit. The last time I felt like that was with my ex girlfriend. I was crushed when it ended. On the other hand I was living under her roof. My mom and I had gotten into a big, messy, fight and i ended up living with Sugah and my grandparents. If I got put out....I had nowhere to go. Yeah i could live with my mother, but I didn't want that.

"Go ahead and call ya lil friend. By the time you get out of this car, it better be resolved. And i mean it."

Now as I think of this moment, years later, I probably should have listened to my aunt...but...I was a glutton for punishment. I slowly dialed each number until there were no more buttons. Each ring of the phone made my heart beat harder and harder.

"What?"

"Tae?"

(Silence)

"I'm...I'm sorry about all of that but...I think we should stop talking...I mean....(sighs) I really do like  you, but......my aunt....she doesn't want me being around you anymore...if i chose you they would kick me out....and i don't have anywhere to go. You know my mom and I aren't really talking right now...I have no place to go, Tae..."

Tae was soo quiet, I thought he'd hung up. There was a long sigh on the other end. Like disappointment and acceptance intertwined harmoniously within one another. It was almost as though he expected this to happen. He wasn't sure when it would happen, but he knew it was coming.

"Ok..." was all he said before hanging up the phone, leaving me sitting there feeling like complete and utter shit.

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"And ya oughta feel like shit, witcha dumbass!" Taryn chastised.

"Gee! Thanks!" I responded sarcastically, while rolling my eyes.

"What if....yall dated in secret?" She suggested.

"And just how the hell would we get away with that? We are going to wanna see each other. Plus you already know Sugah is gonna ask a million questions, and it's hard for me to lie to her!"

"Weeeeell...shit, just say you hanging with me! I'll pick you up...nine times out of ten I'll either be here, or softball, so they would know where you are...it would just be a matter of making sure yall stay close, do i can text you in case they just so happen to pop up.....what?!"

I just stared at my cousin, bewildered. "Why the fuck do you have this soo well thought out?"

Taryn stood up, to take her turn, smirking. She chuckled, "know the girl!"

When Taryn went to take her turn, I took my phone out, looking for his number. My nerves were beginning to get the better of me, but I just took a deep breath before sending the text.

Me: hey!

Tae: wussup?

Me: hanging with Taryn...umm I have a question...

Tae: mmhmm

I felt myself getting hot. This could go one of two ways: he would happily agree, and probably take his hurt and aggression out on me sexually....or he could deny and curse me the hell out. Either way, I felt as though my heart was beating outside of my chest.

Me: would you...maybe wanna hang out with me?

Tae: 😒 and your aunt is ok with this?

Me: I mean...no...but here's the thing! We can hang out when I'm hanging with Taryn! She's usually at the bowling alley, or at softball...we can go off and do our own thing until she's done.

Tae: sooo...basically we're fuckin around in secret.......and on a time limit

Me: yeah 🙁

Tae: nah, I'm good