Remade

Chapter 16

I wake up suddenly in my bed around 1 in the morning due to my thoughts. Images of walking in the dark, constantly looking over my shoulder and never seeing the person I am convinced is hiding in the shadows, Stephan carrying two weights on a pole on his shoulders with my name on them and him collapsing, my friends being washed away by the sea one by one, Mason hanging upside down from a tree, stretching down forever like silly putty, haunt my mind. What was I thinking? Can I actually be with him? Does he actually want to be with me? What will my friends think? This is not like me, not since the last time, to get so close to someone during such little time. It took me so long to really connect with Mason and love the others. Even Adanna I'm not completely sure about. But the way I feel about Stephan, how I feel when he looks at me, smiles at me, touches me, it's surreal. It's terrifyingly real. I can feel it in my throat and stomach and I feel so alive. Like every nerve is on point and aware and there is no other place that could possibly top it. I swing my legs to the side of my bed and sit up and rake my hands over my face and stand up, feeling the carpet on my bare feet. I stumble into the bathroom and stare at my tired reflection in the mirror. Messy bed head, sunken in eyes from worry, easy, breezy beautiful.

Maybe this will work.

Maybe it won't.

I'll know when I see him.

But you're cursed. Haunted by doubt, your past, your experience. How long does something really good last for you anyway?

I've had Mason for 4 years.

He's going to grow up, grow away, he's going to find someone and replace you.

Shut up.

I'm you. Make me.

I splash my face aggressively with water and scrub my face with a towel and walk back into my room. I crawl into my covers and pull them all the way to my chin. Relax, go to sleep, think happy thoughts. "Birthdays", Mason's presentation of the necklace, the first time I talked to Stephan. And I doze off, almost smiling at the memory of Stephan placing his hands on my elbows, drawing me closer, and placing his forehead to mine.

The morning is cold and cloudy so I snag on a beanie onto my disgusting looking hair, pull on my ancient sweatshirt that says "Columbia" on it, jeans, and sneakers and head off to the CAH building for the Reassignment day. Since I already competed and won, I can go back to work like old times but I still have to attend training sessions twice a week. I walk down the brick path alone since Ali was nowhere to be found and get to the spot where Mason usually waits for me. He's there, reading The Catcher in the Rye. "Hey good morning," he says standing up from the bench, his broken arm awkwardly suspended.

"Hi..." I say quietly, watching my breath puff out like a whisper.

"You ok?" he asks immediately, looking concerned. It's kinda scary how he does that.

"Yeah, um, just a rough night. Bad dreams."

"You seemed a little distracted yesterday during dinner. Are you sure you're alright? Do you want to talk about it, we can grab a cup of hot chocolate if you want."

Ah what I wouldn't do for a cup of hot chocolate, a blanket, and a book right now. But instead I say "No, I'm fine, let's go get that new assignment, partner."

As soon as we get into the Crimes Against Humanities building, I can feel my cheeks flush red with the heat. I take my hands out of my pockets and pull my hat tighter over my head when Stephan walks up to us. "Hey man, how are you doing?" he says real friendly to Mason, offering him his hand.

"I'm alright, but more importantly, where the heck have you been? We thought you dropped off the face of the Earth or something!" Mason replies surprised, awkwardly shaking his hand and dodging bumping into his sling.