wake up.

III

I'm breathing. I'm crying. And she's there. I'm in the medical office. When?
"Ananka!" Mariah exclaims, sitting up from her guest chair and rushing over to hug me. I swallow. How long was I dreaming? Is this a dream? Someone help me.
I see the clock over my friend's shoulders. The clock that was missing. I should've known. Breathe.
One. Two. Three.
Again.
"One. Two. Three. There we go, you're back." Mariah smiles, patting my hair down. I return it, but only faintly. My smile doesn't reach my eyes, but I'm sure she's used to it. She turns around, raising her voice. "Ms. Gordon! Ananka's up!"
Ms. Gordon opens the door to the nurse's office, rushing in and standing beside Mariah. She smiles warmly, thanking Mariah. Then, after checking I'm alright, she leaves, just as quickly as when she arrived.
The clock read 3:25pm. School ended five minutes ago.
"Come on Ananka, up you get. I'll walk you home."
I face her as she helps me stand up and brush myself off. My uniform was still ruined, as well as my face. I sigh.
"Does Stockland mind?" I ask her, referring to both her mother and the witch we call our principal. Mariah rolls her eyes.
"She'll be fine. What's she gonna do anyway? Give me detention?" She laughed, completely relaxed and care-free. That's what I love about her. She's the complete opposite to me.
"Where were you this morning?" I ask her. We're now walking down the corridor. She turns to face me as we continue to strut down the hall.
"Where do you think? In paradise?" she chuckles. I give her a small smile. She sighs and replies, "I was helping mum carry some files to her office. Then we heard the commotion outside the door and, well I think you know what happened from there."
We've passed the school gates now. Three blocks from home. She opens her mouth once more.
"Raminji's at it again." She chuckled dryly, linking her hand in mine. I face her.
"What did he do now?"
She sighed, looking across the street at the cars that are still parked in the parking lot.
"His friends have made a stupid joke about him trapping me against a wall and kissing me nonconsensually. And he's enjoying it."
I made a face. "Ew."
She smiled in return. "My thoughts exactly. He's a real creep. I don;t understand why my mother likes him so much..."
I nod in agreement, turning forward again. I'm home again, for the third time in a row.  I face Mariah again when we pause at my front door.
"Did my dad say anything?" I question, leaning against the front door. Her friendly smile was drooping slightly.
"I think Ms. Gordon called him, but he said he was busy. I don't know, I could be wrong but-"
"Nevermind then. Thanks, Mari. I appreciate it."
I give her another small smile. She shakes her head sadly, giving me a short hug. She pulls back, gripping my shoulders gently.
"If you need anything, I'm a call away, girl. Got it?"
I nod, waving back as she walks away. I turn around and open the door. Thankfully, it's unlocked. As soon as it opens I see my painted school bag against the hallway walls. I was beginning to wonder where it went and why we didn't stop for it on the way here. I sigh, shutting the door and sinking down against it. I remind myself; I'm awake.
I'm awake.
I'm awake.
I am awake.
I pick up my bag and head on upstairs. I drop it off in my room and switch it around for the second bag that I have, replacing everything inside the soiled one with the clean one. This is why the second bag exists. And the third.
I take off my shoes and socks, flinging the latter into my dirty clothes basket. Then I'm walking over to the bathroom door, which is directly down the hall from my room. I close the door and lock it, turning on the light.
The bathroom window got smashed in a couple of weeks ago. Dad never really found the time to fix it, so for now, we have it covered up with towels. We can only rely on the light. Though I was beginning to suspect that it would die soon, since the light being emitted was a rich yellow.
I turn on the shower and undress. I carefully slide the ruined skirt over my hips and down my legs, then unbutton the shirt with sticky buttons. I sigh, the heaviness being lifted off of me. I remove the rest of my clothing and take out my hair-tie. Though really, the tie does nothing. I always manage to get my hair in my face, especially with the episodes I experience.
The shower is still running, but I get caught up looking at my face in the mirror. Yellow, dry and cracked. It doesn't cover my whole face, but enough to make me feel embarrassed. Why didn't Mariah say anything?
I flick myself out of my daze, afraid that if I stare too long that something bad will happen. Something bad always happens. I step in the water and am suddenly introduced to the cool soothing water. I've only ever had cold showers since the incident. I feel myself falling back, but this time I refuse. I let the water trickle down my face, passing through the curves and dents and scars that I know caress my fragile skin. I sigh, focusing on the cool water. I do not let my mind wander. I will not let my mind wonder.
The water is building up higher. I can feel it. I'm afraid to look down. I do not want to see.
Wake up.
Suddenly my peace is broken as the shower shoots down boiling tendrils onto my face, my shoulders, my body. I scream, flying back against the further wall within the shower. I look down. Mistake.
The water is pooling down at my feet, and it's rising, and it's not stopping, and it's past my knees, and I'm freaking out, and I want to leave, and I need to open the door, and I won't open the door, and I don't know why, and somebody please help me.
No.
I'm struggling, thrashing around, splashing the water that has somehow reached my chin.
Help me.
Help me.
Help me.
Wake up.
Wake up, Ananka.
Please.
WAKE UP.
Then I'm coughing and spluttering. I'm leaning heavily against the back wall. My knees are bent and my back is pressed to the wall and all I can think is: I'm awake.
My fingers are spread wide against the tiled surface and I'm breathing heavily. The water can barely reach past my toes. And it's cold. So very cold. I breathe.
One. Two. Three.
Again.
One. Two. Three.
And I'm breathing.
I need to stay awake. I cannot let this happen again. I do not want medication. I should not need it. In and out. I breathe. And I enjoy it.