Snippets of Life

Tension

This is what it feels like
To break
To be completely destroyed
I think I've changed
For worse or for better?
Maybe we'll find out.

And I wonder how much I can take,
How much feelings I can suppress,
How much anger and hurt I will hold onto until my heart collapses on itself.

I wonder just how many smiles I can fake
Until it seems real
And how much pretend I can be until I am sick of it.

And I wonder, would you understand?
Probably
Not.
Because this does not make sense to you, does it? And it does not matter.

But I am broken beyond repair already, even if my life hasn't gone on long enough for that,
Because the world seeped through the cracks in my bones, and into my life, and now I am older than I should be. 16 years and
Already tired of the world? That has to be a record, right?

Because I don't understand how to breathe anymore,
Or perhaps I understand too much; is that why I am existing, but not living? I think,
I was meant not to be born into this world,
Because I have shattered and I have broken, and I will shatter and I will break again.
And they tell me not to break so easily.

But what if I spoke my mind? I will get gunned down, I know,
So I let it recede within me,
A tension building
And building
And building,
Until a fault occurs
And the earthquake comes next and
I am the lone casualty
Because
In this ghost town there is only me, and what is broken
Cannot
Be
Fixed.

[I wrote this because I've been friends with tension for way too long. But words provide the relief I have been looking for.]