Until Things Fall Apart

Leo- stupid trouble

The banging on the window to my car, has me frantically jumping awake to my friend's laughter, and delight. "You idiots, what the hell do you want?"

"Come on Leo first period starts in 10 minutes you wouldn't want to be late on our second day now would you?" I can see right through Zach's cocky façade and easy-going smile like no other. He doesn't care if I'm late, he cares that I don't get grounded so we can go get high in his basement later. I don't bother with a reply to him. I just open my car door and move around him and Josh to start heading towards the School building.

"What's with you sleeping in your car here anyways?" It's Josh that asks the question, my longest and closest friend. He's skittish but I can't tell if it's from him having real concern for me or just the thing dilating his pupils. I try to push his question aside as if he didn't ask it.

"I don't know, doesn't matter. What class do you have first period again?"

"Ms. Morgan for art so it should be real laid-back."

"And I've got math with Turner, you?" Zach adds his in as well and I realize I have no way of knowing. I skipped first period yesterday and I don't have any of my things now.

"Don't know actually didn't remember to bring anything with me." Once again they're acting like I said the greatest thing ever and the shove on my shoulder and laughter only gives way to make me feel more out of place. My anxiety rises when it finally sets in that I'm absolutely screwed. How am I supposed to do anything today without my medication? The side effects from not taking it will kick in soon too and this whole day will go to pot. I'm not even sure I can enter this building right now let alone go ask the office staff for a new schedule.

Their conversation comes in and out and the next thing I know Jessie is with us too and we're almost at the door. The door, how can I possibly- deep breaths Lee that's all we can do right now. I could turn around? No, we're better than that. I'm better than this. My eyes move around and lock on Dean across the parking lot with his friends and a bag that can only be mine as he casually tilts his head up and lifts it at me like he's waiting for a reply. I nod back at him but don't make a move. I can't. My legs are stuck and I see that my friends have gone inside but instead of following suit or moving towards Dean I turn down off of the schools old steps and make a beeline back to my car trying to pretend like all of this is nothing and nobody can see me or is noticing I'm gone right now. Nobody noticed anythings off Leo, your fine. Nobody noticed how much of a loser you are or that your brother had to bring your bag to school for you. My breathing picks up in my throat anyways. As soon as I get to my car I can get out of here and go back to bed. I can go home and take my meds and just call today a wash. Don't cry Leo please god don't cry. Not here, not now in front of everyone. You don't care remember, just pretend you don't and they'll believe it. Reaching for the door to my old red Ford I slip inside the driver's seat and slid back closing my eyes and resting my head on the headrest. Deep breaths, deep- the door next to me slams shut and I flinch at the noise because of how on edge I am.

I'm too paranoid to open my eyes, worried the tears will start falling in front of whoever it is. "So what, you think this is a joke now?" Its Dean. "What do you think you're doing?! Have you even checked your phone, mom was up all night waiting for you to come home! Not only that but now you think you can just ditch out on the second day of-" My tears are definitely falling even with my eyes close and I lower my head farther as Dean hesitates on his words stopping mid-sentence. "Leo I, we can't be there for you if you never let us in; and you know all your doing caring on like this is hurting those around you because your too weak to-"

"Please, please stop Dean I can't, not right now." The words barely come out between breaths and I think he must have noticed because he takes a sharp breath in himself. "It, it feels like I can't breathe and I can't do this with you right now." If I could get absolutely any air into my lungs, and if my heart calmed down just a little bit then maybe I wouldn't be such a disappointment. Maybe I wouldn't be hurting those around me the way that he said I am. But I can't and now I'm sitting in the car with my baby brother as he talks me down from a panic attack in front of the whole school. Please, not today Leo don't do this today. But it's to late and all I can do is listen to Dean and try my best to follow his voice and directions.