Until Things Fall Apart

Stephanie- Not going to fight for me?

Mom's old mini van pulls up into the parking lot and I hope in quick before Matt can even think about taking the front from me. I just need to sit for a moment and rest. "So how was everyone's second day of school? I want to hear all about it!" Mom is so eager it's hard not to feel like whatever I'm going to say won't disappoint her and this certainly wasn't restful.

Thank god for Matt and his excitement about everything almost all the time, "I met this boy in science and," he starts in on what is hopefully going to be a long story and I do my best to tune them both out. As long as I can just focus on getting comfortable and putting my earbuds in for the ride home I would be fine. Ten minutes later and we are pulling up to the drive way. Matt hops out of the back seat before it's even in park officially leaving me alone with mom. Great.

Now I have to actually think of something to tell her about my day. Or, maybe I can just go. Not my lucky day, as I start to open my door and unbuckle mom grabs my arm, "wait a second Stephanie, I haven't gotten a chance to hear about your day yet and you know I'm here for you too." Pulling my arm away and taking out my ear buds I can barely meet mom's eyes. I know what she wants to hear, she's looking at me so full of hope. I wasn't anything like the daughter she deserves. Someone who could have a cool first week and come home with lots of story's to gossip with her. Someone who didn't have to take medication in the bathroom to barely make it through her day. Maybe that's why it feels like we always butt heads, because I could never be good enough for her; and she could never meet me where I was at. I really didn't want to talk to anyone right now, especially her.

I sneak a glance up looking at her again, it was her eyes that always really got me. They we're so sincere it's only making me feel worse. "Well uh let's see," Think, what can I tell her? What will sound right? "I've already made some new friends." It was a half truth. I was only painting a pretty picture for her and that was ok right? To make her feel like I was succeeding.

"Oh, that's great! What are they like? How did you meet?" I'm screwed, I couldn't do this. I couldn't just lie to her. It felt to wrong.

"I- never mind."

"No no, go on it's ok I really want to know." Why had I done this to myself.

"We aren't really friends mom, I just didn't know what I was supposed to say." Wrong move, she looked jilted, like I had totally and completely offended her.

"So you lied. Honey, what your supposed to say? All you're supposed to do is tell your mother about your day at school so she can be there for you and hear all your exciting news." She wasn't there for me though, because whatever I said was never the right thing for her and she always put me down about it.

"No that's not it mom, you don't want to hear how it went. You want to hear how you wanted it to go. I was just trying to make you happy." It was stupid, and it felt stupid coming out of my mouth. I should've just gotten out of the car and told her I didn't want to talk right now. But that would've made her mad too. It feels like there's no winning.

"I just want you to let me in. But you always have to push me away." Both of us look away from each other and neither of us speak. Now I was really mad. Maybe I shouldn't have been but I was. If she thought I was the one always pushing her away then she was dead wrong.

"They offered me drugs yesterday, my new friends." Mom looks horrified and I don't feel better about getting a rise out of her like I thought I would. "I'm think about taking them up on it. So over all mom it has been a pretty good week!" I boast about it knowing her face will fall more and hope it will make me feel a little better now that I've fully committed. I watch as her mouth hang open and even though I'm still livid now I feel guilty too. Slamming the car door behind me I get out in a rush. I shouldn't have said that, I shouldn't have panicked her just because I was mad. I feel like crying.

Sure I push her away, but she pushed me away before that. Along time ago when she started calling my therapist about whatever I told her. When things could never just be between us because I needed help and couldn't get it together for her. I still feel like crying though and like being sick. Why did I have to say any of that? What is wrong with me? "Don't even joke about that, it's not funny. God Stephanie you're my daughter I care about you! How many times am I going to have to say it?! What's wrong with us, we can't even have a proper conversation now! Stephanie, Stephanie get back here!"

           Dad is sitting in the living room when I walk in and turns putting his book down to say something but stops when he sees my face and puts his hands up in a mock surrender laughing. I let out a scraggly scream and hurrying past him. I run the rest of the way up stairs and into my room without stopping, even when mom enters and continues to call me. Flipping through my playlists I don't stop until I find the one I'm looking for: melancholy mood swings. I need to cool down right now. I know I'm more than half in the wrong, still mom never actually wants to listen so what was I supposed to do. She was what, suddenly trying to play good parent after a year of arguments and screaming matches where she tried to change me anytime I actually opened up to her. I needed her support, not her opinion about me. Turning up my blue tooth speaker all the way I collapse back onto my bed completely done with this day and let myself finally start to fall apart. Forget about it, it's just another stupid fight with mom. Don't let it get to you. Don't let it break you down more than it has already.

My phone buzzes on my end table next to me and I barely get myself to roll over and reach for it. One new text from an unknown number - HEARD YOU WANT TO HANG WITH ME. - My heart drops into my chest as my mind tries to comprehend who it is. One name circling around again and again. There's no way this is Leo Evens. But, who else would it be? It had to be Leo. Only... how did he get my number? Oh god his stupid brother! My day had been bad enough without having to deal with another one of the brothers from hell, especially this clearly cocky ass hat.

I'm in a really bad mood from mom. I just don't care anymore. Acting without thinking I let my bad mood and angry brain get the best of me. - FUCK OFF. - Sent. Oh god, oh god why had I sent that! Alarms go off and my room is spinning. It doesn't take more than a second for him to reply.

- FINE, SEE YOU AT SCHOOL. - Wait seriously? He didn't care? Thank god but... why wasn't he mad? Did I want him to be mad? No, so why was I so concerned that he didn't care? Maybe a secret part of me did want him to care, just so I could feel like someone was interested in me and not just talking to me because I was friends with Alisa. Or maybe part of me just wanted to start a fight so I could put my anger anywhere else then in my head. But I'd made a rash decision and a rude comment, knew that.

Let it go Steph. My fingers start to type anyways. Act cool and confident and unbothered. Easier said then done. - NOT GOING TO TRY AND FIGHT FOR ME? - look who's being cocky now Stephanie. I type it out and hover over the send button a moment longer. If I could be anyone, if I could start again this year like I wanted to, then why not be her? The girl just as sure of herself as he was. I press down on the send button and turn off my phone all together before I can look at what I've just done or his reply. Fuck I must be going crazy, trying to act cool and start a fight with the most intimidating guy at school. I turn my phone back on, I can't help the not knowing. My heart is beating a million miles a minute but I will myself to look and see what he said. Read. I look down at my screen, read but no reply. He isn't going to reply is he? He was leaving me on read. Ok, that was... probably for the best. I was only drowning myself in a deeper puddle trying to fight with him or whatever this was going to turn into.