We were only on the third day of school but I already didn't feel like talking to anyone during lunch. It was just one of those days where even Alisa was going to be too much. I was too drained of energy to put on a fake facade for friend and laugh at her jokes. So instead here I am walking around the halls avoiding her and everyone else. Turning the corner into the math wing I take a seat on the ground and shuffled through my bag for my pair of head phones. It seems like I was always doing this lately, avoiding things. Mom, Dad, Alisa...., the fact that my anxiety had become this big of a problem and taken over my whole life. At least it sort of helps, being alone. Avoiding things didn't always make things worse it just postpones them, that's my working theory. If I think it enough it might just become true.
No one ever hangs out in the math wing, not since they moved out all the classes here to another wing while they renovate. I'd be fine here. Putting in my headphones to block out the world, I lean back not pressing play on anything. I just need some silence, a minute to rest and they'd help muffle things out a little better. I had to make it to the end of the day. It's time to take my mid-day meds anyways and once I do that I will be able to make it through all of this. I can float along in my emptiness. That's all this was, some burnout and burnout I could cover up with the help of my meds. I could handle it, as long as I took my meds I could pull all of my strings back together. The seams would be uneven but they might just hold until I could safely break them apart at home.
Pulling my backpack into my lap I search through it for my pills. Pouring three different ones out of the baggie there in and into my hand, I reach over to grab my water when someone lets out a short laugh. "I hope those are prescription." Freezing for a moment and wincing, I slowly raise my head up to look at him. There's no way this is happening. The universe definitely has it out for me because here's Leo Evens standing across the hall with a hand in his pockets and a pair of headphones barely on his ears. He offers me a weak smile and turns his eyes back down to the pills in my hand. Shit. I'm just sitting here holding my pills. Shit. Looking back at Leo my insides twist and I think I'm going to puke. He doesn't say anything or move to make his way towards me, he just stands there smiling and looking at the baggy of pills in my hand. Slowly a deep low chuckle rises out of his throat as he shakes his head back and forth. "I see why we wouldn't need to be friends now, little miss aren't you gonna fight for me already has her own stash." He makes air quotes with is hands smile only growing. "Well would you look at this turn of event's. I really never would have guessed it." I'm positive my cheeks are a dark shade of red by the time he's finished and I unfreeze when I become vastly aware of what he's implying. I'm not a druggie, and I don't need him spreading that around school either.
"Um," I start to shove the baggie back into my bag ready to defend myself before my eyes catch the smoke. He's just like his friends, getting high at school. Only worse because he's getting high right here in the middle of our school hallway like it's nothing. Leo seriously has the audacity to call me a druggy, when he's the one blatantly getting high here like it's nothing.
I must have been staring too long too because he follows my line of sight and slowly raises his hand up to take another drag smiling even wider at me, "You want some or do you just do those?" He motions loosely back to my hand moving to stand in front of me and bends down. I realize how much I really need to say something, I'm just not saying it. I'm not saying anything at all. I have to get it together and defend myself.
"Um there actually," I clear my throat, "there anxiety meds, prescription." Gosh I sound like such a loser. Tightening my hand into a fist around my meds all I can do is close my eyes and wish he would vanish. The silence is killing me and I know he's still there because I can feel his eyes on me and smell the weed coming off of him.
"Oh shit, I think I'm on those." My head snaps back up to meet his and I know I must be dreaming. But Leo said it with such a calm tone. I really would've thought he meant to tell me it if it weren't for his eyes suddenly going wide and his blushing cheeks. This time it's him who moves to step away and averts his gaze from mine. "I-, you know I'm kidding." He isn't though is he? Not even the way he lets out a fake laugh or the carefree way he takes another hit from his joint could convince me of that. He's spooked. I can tell by his fidgeting. Now I was more sure than ever that we both wanted out of this conversation.
"Good for you." It comes out half heart but I'm trying to let him know I don't care. To show that we can both be done talking now and the conversation doesn't have to go farther. I put my ear buds back in and close my eye a second time really ready to move on. But apparently he's not.
"I know you're not listening to anything, I saw you before and you never pressed play." I open my eyes again and try to decide whether or not him continuing our conversation was a smart decision. Maybe we could clarify that this stays between us? God what was he doing? Leo swiftly slides down the wall up against the locker beside me taking a seat like he fully intends to stay. "Come on, lets talk." He playfully bumps his shoulder against mine. Was he mad?! Had he actually gone crazy? I didn't want to talk, why did he?! We'd just shared a serious secret with each other by mistake, we didn't need to keep this going!
"You're high." I was not talking to this guy when he was high and he had just accused me of being on drugs. He just let out something he wanted to be a secret by mistake there was no way he'd actually thought through this discussion.
"And?"
"I'm not talking to you while your high. Especially not about this."
"You wouldn't talk to me when I wasn't either."
"What?"
"Yesterday when I texted you, you very rudely told me to fuck off." Leo's has a big goofy grin on his face and I know he's out of it for sure.
"Look I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"
"It's ok, it happens. Why aren't you with your friends?" It happens?
"I- why aren't you with yours?" Here I am with one of the most talked about boys in school, alone, sharing secrets. Right, this made perfect sense. Looking over at Leo again I expect him to say something sarcastic in reply but he doesn't say anything. He won't even looking at me. He's staring at the locker in front of him like he's somewhere else entirely, or like he wants to be.
We just sit there together no words between us for what feels like forever. I jump a little when he opens his mouth again. "They wouldn't get it. Some days it all just feels hazy, like I'm in a daze and everything around me is just too heavy. I feel, fuck, the thoughts get so loud and out of control. I feel like I can't handle a thing. I feel like I'm breaking, and the worst part is they all expect me to be this guy I'm not. To talk a certain way, to make jokes, to keep them entertained while I'm drowning." He pauses again and looks down at his feet. "So I guess I just needed the space to feel like I could actually breath again. Like I could actually," Leo stops completely this time and I don't think he's going to finish his thought. For a minute we just sit and I start to think that maybe we could actually, actually talk about this. That we have something in common. But I've left it hanging too long and he stands up quickly looking completely panicked by his own words instead.
"It's ok you know I-"
"Never mind, forget it. This never happened OK! We never talked." He moves to stand up looking anywhere that isn't at me. Putting out his blunt on the locker besides my head he quickly turns in the other direction to leave.
"Wait I-, I can-, I actually-" Getting to my feet my words catch in my throat at the sound of the bell and the crowd of people that start fill in around me take up the space between us. I can't make out where he is and I have to stop myself from calling out to him any louder. He understands. He understands me. At least some of it and the worst part is he thinks he's alone. What he just said, the way he just spoke has me feeling seen for the first time in years and I let him walk away feeling alone. I don't give it a second thought, I don't need to. I pull out my phone and I send him a message. - I GET IT. SOMETIMES MY LUNGS WEIGH ME DOWN AND WHEN I TRY TO BREATH IT FEELS LIKE I'M SWALLOWING MYSELF WHOLE. SOMEHOW CRYING COMES EASER THEN AIR. IT CONSTANTLY FEELS LIKE EVERYONE IS STARING AT YOU, JUDGING YOU AND THE WORST PART IS YOU HAVE TO TRY AND PRETEND THAT YOUR PALMS AREN'T SWEATY AND YOU CAN HOLD CONVERSATION. WHEN REALLY YOU WOULD RATHER BE ANYWHERE ELSE. YOU FEEL LIKE YOU LET PEOPLE DOWN BECAUSE YOU CANT HANDLE AS MUCH AS THEM. I KNOW YOU FEEL ALONE, I DO TOO. BUT MAYBE YOU AREN'T ANYMORE. I GET IT I PROMISE I DO. - Crap, that was way way to much! Read.
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Until Things Fall Apart
Teen FictionStephanie and Leo were never even meant to be friends, let alone be feeling whatever they were feeling now. Leo was one thing at school and she was another. They have absolutely nothing in common, ok maybe one thing. One massive thing, their anxiet...
