Not who you think

2

,, Bye, see ya tomorrow!" I yell, parting my way from my friends'.

As soon as I'm 100% sure they are gone, I put on my hood, plug in my earphones and pull out a cigarette.

By one quick movement I Light it up and start walking home, ignoring the feeling somebody is watching me. I don't care that much as long as it's not one of my friends. That would be terrible.

Once home, I quietly get in and try to avoid my parents. Unsuccesfully.

But I'm lucky, it was only an eye contact.

I run up the stairs and lock myself in my room, exhaling the breath I didn't even know I was holding.

I throw my backpack to the ground and fall on my bed, fatigued as hell.

It's so exhausting to be happy all the time. It's so exhausting to smile when you want to die. It's so exhausting to pretend you are okay when you are not.

I sigh, closing my eyes. Those thoughts are going to kill me one day.

As I pull a blanket over myself, I lose my battle with the fatigue, and with my music still playing through the earphones, I manage to fall asleep.

...

I roll to my side and stretch myself. Yawning, I smother my eyes and realise there is no Light in my room.

I look at the clock, my confusion taking the best of me.

,, 9,36 PM? What the... Wait... My stream!" I yell out, panicking.

I unlock my phone and open a group chat with my online friends in it.

,, Bellz where r u?"
,, U there? "
,, The stream should start any second, u coming?"
,, She is never late lol. "
,, Do you think she is coming? "
,, I don't think so. If she hasn't Come yet, she probably won't."
,, Beeeeeeellz?? "
,, The stream is asking where you are."
,, Tell them she is finally doing something productive xD"
,, Loool. "
,, U shouldn't have done that :D"
,, Lmao she will end u."
,, U ded. "

I giggle a bit. Those messages have been sent 2 hours ago.

'Should I go have fun or actually do something productive?... Ughhh, I don't want to study the stupid physics, but I can't really choose this time. '

I rolled my eyes and responded to the group chat that I'm indeed doing something productive, not mentioning the fact that I have just woken up.

I was instantnly made fun of, in a kind way of course. They knew that beside Minecraft, I don't really do anything, so we are regularly joking about me being lazy and unproductive.

Jokes aside, I took the responsible approach, which itself sounds like a joke actually, and I started studying.

It didn't really last long, but to be frank, it was a lot better than avoiding it completely as I did yesterday.

After like half an hour of being a good nerd, I close the book and smother my eyes. I'm still tired, but I don't really feel like sleeping anymore.

I open YouTube on my phone and start watching the stream I've missed.

It's nice to see my friends all happy and Laughing. WITHOUT me. At least I know it won't hurt them that much when I'm GONE. I smile subconsciously at the thought.

When the stream ends, I put my phone in my pocket. Now I'm fully awake and that means only one thing. A walk.

I take a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, put my hood on and as quietly as a mouse, I go out.

,, Hey, u up? " I text Liam, my friend and cigarette dealer.

,, Yup. The Park?"

,, Yeah. "

Heading to the direction of our usual meeting place and getting lost in my thoughts, I start singing aloud by mistake.

,, Have you ever felt so invisible?
Like no one would know
If you died tonight, if you threw this fight
And finally let it go
The weight of holding on, so sick of being strong
Just to end up alone
Or am I the only one still up
Wondering why who I am has never been enough?
'Cause I've never known
What it's like to just feel wanted, wanted
Like a ghost
Always end up here forgotten, forgotten
The question always haunting me
Am I not worth remembering?
What's it like to be morе than just invisible?
Maybe I will nevеr know
Have you ever felt like a hand-me-down?
Like a waste of space
When nothing is permanent, it's so hard not to think
The hell is wrong with me
And does it mess you up thinking of reasons why
Nobody ever stays?
'Cause I can't stand being a burden anymore
If I was dead, at least I couldn't be ignored
'Cause I've never known
What it's like to just feel wanted, wanted
Like a ghost
Always end up here forgotten, forgotten
The question always haunting me
Am I not worth remembering?
What's it like to be morе than just invisible?
The kid that always gets picked last
There must be more to life than that
Familiar pain that I can't change
I open up, I get replaced
Like who I am is a mistake
And I can't take one more day
Of being me
I wish I could know what it feels like
'Cause I've never known
What it's like to just feel wanted, wanted
I feel so alone
Always end up here forgotten, forgotten
The question always haunting me
Am I not worth remembering?
What's it like to be morе than just invisible?
Maybe I will nevеr know. "

Losing the internal battle with my emotions, I feel some tears escaping my eyes, running down my cheeks.

Wiping them away, I pull out a cigarette and Light it instantly. Destroying myself is what I'm good at, so why not continue?

As I near the Park, I see a hooded figure sitting on a bench in one of the darkest corners.

I start walking to him and when he notices me, he waves at me with a small, greeting smile. I do the same and sit next to him.

Liam is a friend of mine. Not a close one, but I can rely on him in times of need, especially with my bad habits. He is an adult, unlike me, a 16 years old girl. He has the capability to obtain certain forbidden items and he doesn't care if it's illegal to sell me them. He knows what it's like to hate oneself and empathizes with my urge to wreck myself. Without him, I would have been dead a long time ago.

He has short Brown hair, dyed to Black. His face is decorated with 2 piercings, one in his nose and one in his right ear, as well as his arms with 2 tattoos, both on his biceps. He always wears Black hoodies and Black jeans, along with some chains as accessories. I really like his style, but I myself am not allowed to wear anything like that.

,, Couldn't sleep again, huh? "I ask him, seeing that he is smothering his eyes nervously.

He only chuckled.,, As always."

I pull out another cigarette and enjoy the silence. Even though it is November, outside isn't cold at all. The breeze is tickling my face, playing with my hair, messing up my bangs. Moon's illuminating the dark, abandoned streets, making the atmosphere even better. It's so calm and peaceful outside.

I pray it would stay like that forever. Because always, when the Sun rises, the never ending cycle begins again and again. Going to school, putting on my happy face, at home getting beaten up for being such a disappointment, then pretending I'm happy again when I'm streaming. My life is just a big fat act and I'm not sure how long I can take it for anymore.

,, You okay? "Liam asks me, his bright blue eyes shining in the dark behind springs of his Black hair.

No, I'm no-

,, Yeah."

...