Jetstream (Hawks Angst)

homesick

"I don't think I can eat anything." Kiego told the nurse.

He was three days into another week in inpatient. Specifically targeted towards developing specific coping mechanisms to do instead of drinking and monitoring him closely after learning about his continued suicidal thoughts.

And it was hard. And he still felt like shit. He felt constantly sick and shaky.

Being in the ward sucked. There was always something insane happening. Someone yelling, someone crying, something happening.

It was overwhelming constantly. He found it hard to eat and sleep, even when he wanted to. Even when he felt well enough to, he couldn't manage.

"Mr. Takami, you have to eat." The nurse responded.

"I feel sick to my stomach. I can't eat right now." He said irritably, barely able to look at the food at this rate.

"You can't keep avoiding meals. One more day of this and by protocol we have to move you to the ED hall." She explained, somewhat sympathetic with him.

"I don't have an eating disorder." He stated, "I just don't feel well."

"Because you haven't been eating. Just try some, it's just toast, you'll feel better afterwards. You cant leave this table until you eat." She ordered.

Hawks grabbed a price of toast and lifted it to his mouth. The smell of it made him gag.

He bit into it anyways, feeling angrily nauseous afterwards.

He swallowed and then gagged. He threw down the toast and put a hand over his mouth instead.

The nurse put a hand on his back, but he snapped away, jumping out of his chair.

"Don't touch me!" He shouted, standing defensively, feeling panic stretch to his limbs and nausea tear at his throat.

The nurse pulled her hand away, "Kiego, I need you to take deep breaths." She said calmly.

Other patients were staring. He was the only one who couldn't finish his breakfast in this wing. There were whisperings about him. Hawks in the psych ward. Again.

He couldn't breathe though, he was really trying but he felt so sick he couldn't take a full inhale.

"Okay, just breathe, let's go to the bathroom." The nurse said, gently waving him towards her as he softened from his fighting stance and  readied himself to take a step forward.

However, the second he put weight on his leg his whole body went limp and his vision went black.

He woke up in a hospital bed in a different room. His body was sore.

He cleared his throat before speaking, before his eyes were even all the way open.

"Did I have a seizure or just pass out?" He asked whoever was in the room, knowing he wasn't allowed to be alone.

"Just passed out. You're getting tube nutrition, youve barely been eating?" Someone asked.

"I just haven't been feeling well. I'm not hungry." He replied.

"Would you say you have a negative self image, Kiego?" The person continued.

"Oh my god, I'm not fucking anorexic. I'm fine with my body I have no problems with it I just haven't been feeling well." He said exasperatedly, rubbing the tiredness out of his eyes and seeing some random doctor standing at the end of his bed, leaning casually against the wall.

"Your withdrawal is severe. How have your urges to drink been? How have the coping mechanisms been working?" The psychologist asked.

"Well urges have been high and coping has been low. I feel like shit but now that I'm not drinking the meds are starting to work again but if I take the meds without food they make me feel sick which makes me not want to eat more which makes me only want to drink and make it all go away more." He rambled, underlyingly irritated and angry.