After Everything (A Starkid Fan Fiction)

Chapter 12-I'm Just the Same as I Was

~Even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there -Stephen Chobsky~

Chapter 12

Stretching my legs was borderline mind blowing when I finally stood out of bed for the first time. I physically couldn't believe how much I had missed standing. The little things that my mind seemed to be amazed by, the strangeness of finally being let go by the restraints.

Andrews called in some favors for me and I have a new therapist, this time it's not negotiable. Even though I have slowly and finally begun to accept the facts, that I need help, and that people are actually willing to give it, it doesn't change the fact I tried desperately to kill myself. I've been trapped inside my mind for over a year. I've been living lies for all this time, been telling myself things that are wrong. And I need to talk to someone who knows what's right; not just right about and for me, but about everything. Everything is messed up. And it needs to be better.

I look outside the window, sitting on the sill and watching the world below me as the wind blows through the trees, sending leaves off in a multitude of directions. Birds fly past my window and cars honk below me. Clouds block the sun and have it re-appear a moment later, and when it does it warms me up.

Such little things that I've looked at for years, little things that mean nothing until after you've survived death. Only this time I'm happier that I've survived. When Alex saved me the first time, when she put me in that hospital, I remember putting on that brave face as a way for her to get over it. Because I knew how hard her decision was going to be. After what I'd done to her? I'd have put me in jail.

Now I'm able to stand on my own two feet again. Now I'm able to think for myself and not let some voice in my head do it for me. But I don't make all the choices in my life yet. I'm not ready to.

I stare down at my arms, still bandaged and still stinging only slightly. I look at each arm for a moment, switching which one I'm looking at for only a moment before going back to the other.

I should do it now, what I was told to do. There's no use in putting it off, so I might as well do so now. I take out my phone and open up a new note.

Andrews told me to check in with myself every few days. Not to get so caught up in my life that I forget what's important. To breathe. To think. To remember why I'm alive. Here I am, checking in. I'm remembering to breathe. I'm remembering to think. I'm remembering what's important. I'm remembering. And I'm ready. To stop hiding behind my problems and to finally face them without running away. I ran away before. I told myself that running was the only thing left to do. And I was running by staying put, but not speaking. By not being who I know I am. I still don't know who I am. I don't think anyone actually knows who they are, though they may say they do. But I will keep trying to find out who that person is. I will discover him.

There's a quiet knock on my hospital door and I lock my phone before saying, "Come in."

Alex's long brown hair shields her face as she enters, and her head is down, looking at the ground, not at me.

She doesn't say anything, but closes the door behind her and stares at it, no longer facing in my direction.

"Who knew two years ago we'd be in this position when I asked you to marry me?" I ask her, standing up from my spot. She stares up at me. "Me sitting in a hospital for the second time and you dating a man who has been exactly what you've needed your entire life? Crazy."

I think that she's going to laugh or at least smile, but she doesn't. This is what I get for trying to break the ice. She just looks at me, just looks. Her blue eyes don't shine like usual, her face looks pale and tired and frail. Like if you touched her, she'll break, and there will be nothing left of her. I turn back to my journal phone, locking it and putting it in my pocket. I sigh heavily.