After Everything (A Starkid Fan Fiction)

Chapter 4-One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

-I'm going backwards and yet I'm made to believe I'm moving forwards and I'm chasing my dreams but I'll be just who I wanna be without you controlling, controlling me. ~Matthias-

Chapter 4

2:03 AM

Clickity-click-clack-clickity-click.

Ma and Pa sit together on stage right while Child 2 sleeps on stage left. Ma and Pa argue. Backspace, backspace, backspace. Pa comes in with a sleeping bag once Ma finishes song and lays it out, while Ma starts to undress. Backspace, backspace. Pa asks if Ma if everything is okay.

Backspace, backspace, backspace. Highlight, delete all.

It sounds like shit. It sounds so bad, so horrible, so boring. Every time I type something it comes out worse than the last thing I've written. I don't know what to write about, I don't know where this story is going, I don't know what to even say. 

For years, since college I've been working on this show, been trying my hand at doing what Alex loved to, what Starkid did. I wanted to try, I wanted to be like all the people around me. I wanted to know what it was that writing did for them. And nearly five years later I don't know what it is. I don't know what Alex see's in story telling, in writing. How did ideas ever just come to her, the idea of characters and plot and telling a through story? It's difficult, it's stressful. I've changed nearly every line I've written in this story, nearly the entire story. I hate it, I hate how much I've fixed. 

This is so frustrating to me, the fact that I've put years into this story and it's turning into garbage. It's turning into a chore, not something fun. No, what am I saying it was a chore a year ago when I went into that hospital and it's still a chore now. It's just something to get me back into Starkid. It's just something to get everyone to forgive me.

And what if it doesn't work, doing all this for the Lang's and for the fans and for the Starkids? I'm wasting my time if that's the case. I can't guarantee that they'll like it, let alone want to see it if they know I wrote it, if the fans know I'm part of it. Why can't it just be easier and the stress less annoying?

I look up from my laptop at my room. Nearly a week I've been in Chicago and so far the only people who have seen me are the Lang's, and one time, Rachael. No one has bothered to know if I'm okay, and I don't even know if the Lang's bothered telling anyone that I'm here.

Darren texted me finally, saying he was sorry, busy working on the final season of Glee. I told him it was okay, because I understood. 

Darren: Have you been better, you're taking your pills, doing what the doctors told you?

Jeff: I do everything and I've been just as shitty as when I was in the hospital.

Darren: Alex told me about the cutting yourself, you haven't done that again, have you?

Jeff: Can't believe she told you.

Darren: I'm glad she did. Jeff you know you shouldn't be doing that you're just making it worse on yourself. 

Jeff: I needed to do it once, I needed to focus on some other pain that wasn't in my head. You don't get it, Darren, you don't get how horrible it is to be inside my mind all the time, to be me, to try and live with what I've done.

Darren: But trying to kill yourself isn't the answer and you know it, Jeff. You know you're just hurting yourself and making the people around you more aware of what they already know, and that's what a danger you are to them and yourself.