After Everything (A Starkid Fan Fiction)

Chapter 9-I Melt

*WARNING: May be triggering. Apologizes in advance*

~J.J, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. -ANI~

Chapter 9

The razor isn't doing it's job.

It relieved my pain last time, it helped me feel better, even for a night. It gave me something else to think about with pain, it took away what I was feeling about Alex, about everyone else. But it's not working this time. My arms are covered in razor slices, I've been bleeding for ten minutes and I've been standing under the shower an extra ten.

"Just die."

The two words that have echoed inside of my head since last night. The two words that kept me awake all night. The words that are caught in my throat and refuse to either go down or let me vomit them out. I want it out, I want these thoughts gone. I want this pain to stop and the razor's slashes aren't doing their job by giving me pain. They're ignoring me, they're not listening to me and giving off pain so my brain has something else to think about.

It took an hour to get home last night. I could barely stand up after the guys had beaten me to the ground. It took more strength than I had physically, and I was so close to calling an ambulance or Nick and Matt or someone. But I can't rely on anyone. I can't believe that anyone out there is looking out for. I can't believe that anyone is on my side, cares about me, wants me alive, wants me around.

When I finally got home neither of the Langs came out to see me, which I was grateful for. I didn't want to explain the cuts and bleeding all over my body. I didn't want to explain why I was limping and basically holding onto my entire body to keep it from falling apart. I didn't want to explain where I was, why I'd taken forever to get home. I didn't want to talk to them.

I didn't want to be lied to again.

My back hasn't stopped throbbing since one of the guys threw something at it. It turned out to be a rock, but a large one that really messed up my spine. I'm only standing in the shower right now with the hot water steaming up the entire room and blood running down my body because I hope I fall and crack my skull open and die right here. Just die "casually."

But I'm not.

Because the razor isn't doing it's fucking job.

I realized also, that my feelings towards Rachael, the lump I get in my throat when I see her, the way I feel when she touches me is my reaction to someone being kind to me. They aren't emotions, it's not me liking her. I'm lying to myself to think that there's the slightest chance to her falling for me as much as I did for her. But I convinced myself that there's no happy ending for me. There's no such thing as a happy ending. Not for people like me, people who have done such terrible, horrible things to people and don't deserve happy endings.

It's June 1st today. It's a day I can't block from my mind. It's a day I can't seem to breathe and can't suppress any memories of. I can see flashes of this day in my mind constantly.

I'm on top of Alex.

I'm cutting her.

I'm inside of her, causing her to scream.

And I don't stop.

I want to hurt her.

I throw the razor at the wall and scream, loudly.

I start pounding my fists on the wall and feel large tears fill my eyes. I get that lump in my throat again, I get the pain from everywhere affecting me and I scream again.

I turn off the water and stand there, naked, starring at the cream colored shower wall. My arms continue to bleed, but the almost silent plop of the red liquid starts to fill the bottom of the shower and I ignore it. I stare at the cream colored wall that can't seem to give me a reflection of the pathetic, waste of a human that I am. I can't seem to find the person that's standing on this side, on the other side. Maybe that side can choke me if he reaches his arms through a mirror out at me.