Return to Mt Horizon

13

JJ's pov
"What the hell am I supposed to say? Shelby was a skank that never had anything going for her and JJ is a lie. What am I supposed to say? I want to be JJ, even though she OD'd at a party? I want to be Shelby the teenage prostitute?" I laughed. "Be for real, Penelope. I don't want to be anyone."

No one could say anything, what the hell would they say? I went back to the couch and sat on the side away from Sophie. Emily grabbed my hand and I could feel everyone's eyes on me. It felt like it was quiet forever. I just wanted the night to end. The next thing I heard was Spencer saying no.

"That's not true. JJ may have started high school but you got through college. Georgetown and University of Pennsylvania was all you. You had JJ's life but you got into the FBI and the BAU. JJ isn't a lie." He said. "Jesus Shelby, Georgetown?" Kat asked. "Yeah, it was the best option after UPenn." I asked. "You did that. Shelby did that. You went to college." Peter said.

I laughed and looked at him. "And?" Sophie stood up and pulled me away. "Excuse us." She said. We went back out to the docks and she let me smoke. "Talk. I'm not your counselor but I'm still a friend." I just took a cigarette from the box and lit it. "I want to disappear. Not be Shelby, not be JJ, be someone new." I said. I wanted to tell Sophie how I was feeling.

"Why can't you merge JJ and Shelby? Take their best parts and get rid of their bad parts. Be both." She offered. "How? If I want to every be Shelby I have to be the girl that lived on the streets. The weak whore that slept around for money, with no mother or father to love her." Sophie stood up and tilted her head. "That's not true. You didn't see how people reacted when you left."

"Shelby was Daisy's best friend. Peter was devastated, you were his kid, you were my kid. My little girl. Don't act like you didn't matter because you did." I sat back down and pulled my legs to my chest. "You know I wasn't going to become her, JJ." Sophie sat next to me and rubbed my back.

"Her parents got her a hotel room. We met at a bar and she let me stay with her. One of her friends was having this party and I left her with the friend. When I woke up in a hotel alone, I went to look for her. She was at the party dead, so I took everything on her that made her JJ. When I got back to the hotel, I acted like JJ. She protected Shelby."

Sophie nodded. "That's when you decided. Took her ID and went back." I shook my head. "Everyone acted like nothing was wrong so I wanted to make her something. Something she couldn't. I wanted to help." Sophie hugged me into her side and smiled. "When Shelby couldn't handle something, JJ would. It was like she could do anything."

"She protected you." I nodded. "After a while Shelby started to disappear. I forgot I wasn't JJ. I lost her." I watched the ash blow away into the lake and just thought. "Do you need protection anymore?" She asked. I shook my head. "No. I've been Shelby every time I've been alone this week. I miss being Shelby."

"Then you have your answer. Keep JJ inside for when you need her. When you need protection. But be Shelby. Give her the time she needs to heal, heal the pain and the hurt that she has. But let her heal. Don't push her down anymore." I want that. I want that more than anything. I want to be Shelby again.