Consumed By Submission

The Discovery

It has been a while since my last blog post and I'm really sorry to all of you that thought something bad must have happened to me. The truth is, I have been doing a lot of research and a lot of thinking after all that has been happening. There was also one specific event that happened after the last blog that I've been trying to collect my thoughts on before sharing it with all of you. I have found myself at a crossroads. If you have been with me from the beginning, you would know that I have been discovering this side of myself that I've always been afraid to explore. I thought that my husband was enjoying introducing me to all of this. However, I am now discovering that he just isn't attracted to me and has been using all of this as a way for me to be ok with him fucking other girls of all shapes and sizes. I think for a little bit, he was excited about being in charge and watching me submit to him...but I can see now (especially after meeting Adam) that his real joy, comes from being able to fuck any girl he can get.

So let me just get to it. As you might have already guessed, I discovered that Ryan has been seeing women (yes plural) without telling me. I thought we had a deal or an understanding about how this arrangement was going to be. Shortly after my little girls' night, I found out that Ryan has been enjoying any time I leave the house. He stopped trying to hide it after he found out what I let happen to his former little sub. Maybe he's trying to get back at me or maybe he never really wanted to stay with me. But I have been finding thongs that don't belong to me as well as obviously used dildos and vibrators left around our room. We haven't had sex in months. He seems very happy with just having me at home but getting his excitement elsewhere.

I began to think about how things have gone with Ryan and then compared those to how things were in my few encounters with Adam. There is just something about Adam that I can't break from my mind and my heart. With Ryan, I wanted to submit partially out of trying to keep our marriage together or make things work. Plus the idea of submitting just excited me. But with Adam, I want to submit because his voice just has power over me. It's not out of obligation but out of desire. One of the hardest things I did was tell him we couldn't have sex on our first encounter. I wanted it so bad from him and it was because he was everything that I was hoping Ryan would be a dominant force that I want to submit to.

So here I was, aware that Ryan was having his fun while feeling guilty because of what I had done already with Adam and how I was feeling about Adam. Knowing my husband, I know he would not be ok with me doing to him what he is clearly doing to me. So while trying to collect my thoughts and decide how to handle all of this, I decided to get drunk. I can only remember bits and pieces of what happened that night. I know that I confronted Ryan about being a loser dom that just wants an excuse to cheat. I know it got heated but can't remember much that was said. Then I remember getting an uber to go see Adam. I woke up in Adam's house but fully clothed. He told me nothing sexual happened between us and for some reason, I feel more trust in his words than I do with my own husband. From what Adam filled in, I was crying in his arms a lot about everything. Hopefully, I didn't say too much about how I feel.

So here we are, after the start of this blog being about my sexual awakening, nearing the end of my blog, and it seems to be about my decision to divorce Ryan. I'm not sure how many more of these I can write, especially since the original intent for this blog seems to have gone far of course. In the time that I was waiting before writing this, I did have a few long conversations with Ryan. I even told him about my encounters with Ryan. As he started to get furious, I pointed out how he has been acting. We both decided that we want different things. So tomorrow, I will be moving into a small apartment and looking for a job. It is all very scary but I feel good about it. This is probably what I should have done the first time I found him cheating. I really thought I could be what he wanted. I'm now understanding that he is never going to be what I want or desire.

I promise you all, I will write one more update after I get settled in and have found my new job. I am not yet ready to abandon all of my readers. Thank you for all of the support through all of this. Thank you for being more kind to me than Ryan ever was. I will try to get my life back in order so I can give you all one last chapter in my life that maybe will leave you on a happy note, knowing that my life is on track.