I'm Just a Loser: A BigBang Fanfiction

Missed

A few weeks went by and on occasion I would have visit or two from the guys and Ha Neul stayed with me all the time that she wasn't at work. Being in a wheelchair had turned out to be even worse than I had ever imagined. It restricted me unbelievably and by the end of three weeks I just wanted to run away and forget everything and everyone. I went to the doctor every few days to get my bandages changed.

The first time I went, I almost threw up at all of the stitches and bruising. I had never had surgery before and it was terrifying to look at the results. I wondered how these would ever get better. But mostly the scars that would be a result. It seemed selfish to think about it but I cared a lot about my body and being notorious for the large scars on the backs of my legs and my knees bothered me to the point of anxiety to leave the house.

But that was nothing compared to how I felt about Seunghyun. I heard that he had gone back to work but would leave exactly at 6:00 and lunch to "drive around" until he got back to his house around 11:00. I knew where he was and what he was doing, down to a schedule. I didn't know what to feel about the situation. I wasn't mad, yet I wasn't sympathetic either. It was just guilt and I didn't know how to handle it.

Seunghyun was a secret keeper. For a long time, I barely even knew him. I realized that after I told him about my mom and he opened up to me. At first I was mad that he had kept all of this information from me about his depression. But then I realized that he had never talked to anyone about this other than a therapist. He was trying to heal himself again before opening up the wounds to someone else. But now it was too late, he made a mistake that brought back the depression and now the fight against it was back. This time, a physical aspect even appeared. He was trying to fight against someone, to try to fill the anger he had with himself.

"Bree Annelsely?" I heard the nurse call my name and my head snapped up.
"Yes?"
"This way please," she led me through a hallway to the doctor who sat on a stool in the corner of a room.
"Bree?" She smiles,"how are you?" The nurse closes the door behind me.
"Okay, I guess." I smile.
"Here," she begins to unwrap the bandages and the pain is minimal,"they look really good."
"Well I wouldn't say good," I look at her.
"Here," she holds her hands out,"stand up."
"No, I can't."
"Yes you can. Stop saying that you can't do it."she grasps both of my hands and I slowly bring my feet to the ground,"good job."
"It hurts." I cringe at the stinging sensation burning from the exposed, stitched gashes.
"Breathe through it. You have to expose them to movement so they won't get stuck."
"Stuck?!" I exclaim.
"Don't worry." She laughs at me.
I slowly begin to stand but stop at half way up.
"That was perfect," she smiles.
"It better have been because it hurt like hell." I suck in a gulp of air and lightly touch the top of my thigh.
She bandages them back up and let's me know that I can start going back to work.

Great.

•••

"Bree!" I hear Ha Neul shout to me before I wheel over to the elevator.
"Hm?" I grunt slowly massaging my upper thigh.
"I-I found her." she pants looking down at me.
"Who?" as the word slips out I realize I don't need an explanation. I know exactly who she means.
"Areum,"she whispers under her breath.
"Great." the elevator doors open to an empty room filled with white noise.
"Well," she pushes me inside, selecting the third floor offices,"I thought you would want to know."
"I do, it's just more stress on me." my hair falls in to my face and all I want to do is lose myself in the tangles.
"She is really ugly," Ha laughs trying to lighten the mood.
"Then I must be hideous if he thought she was prettier than me." the doors open and I begin to wheel myself out of the confined space.
"That isn't what I mean." she frowns and begins pushing me.
"You know that I can take care of myself pretty well." I stop the wheels from moving and turn around facing her.
"I just want to help." Her face is flushed.
"I'm fine." I spin around and pull the chair away from my desk making it so I can sit in front of my desk without having to move myself.
I hear Hee-Young's clicking heels approach me and I brace myself for a barrage of rude, snarky comments that would soon flood my ears.

Instead I hear nothing.

The posters for the new album were posted everywhere, giving me a looming reminder of him. I wondered how they were going to function with Seunghyun being so out of it and how he was doing.

I type my password and wait for the log in to confirm.

"Bree!" Ha Neul's face quickly shoots past her cubicle and catches my attention.
"What?" I whisper.
Her eyes widen and look to her left where I see a beautiful woman shredding some paper. She seemed sad and lonely, her face blank and completely focused on placing the paper through the slot.

Areum.

I close my eyes trying not to focus on her, as her presence brings back the anger I had been trying to push away all this time. My legs ache and I feel awful. On the inside and outside. I just wanted to crawl away like a sick animal to stay until I felt better...or died.

She really was beautiful. I mean she was breathtaking.

I turned around again and began to type up another marketing report. When I thought about it, I really didn't enjoy this job. Sure, it paid well but I didn't enjoy the actual work that I did. I had a passion and I wanted to fulfill it more than anything, but I couldn't. It wasn't realistic. At least that is what I thought.

•••

I slowly push myself across the street to the cafe and look to try to find Seunghyun or anyone to talk to even though I knew he wouldn't be there. Three weeks was a long time to be away. Soon I see Daesung walk out combing his hair with his fingers.
"Daesung!" I shout and his eyes search for me finally landing on me.
"Oh Bree!" he crosses causing a large array of honking and shouting.
"I'm sorry!" his hands wave in the air trying to distract them from his being a bad pedestrian.
"Come here!" I motion laughing at his childlike gestures.
"I'm here, I'm here," he gasps trying to catch his breath as he laughs along with me.
"You are crazy," he smiles at me and begins to push me toward the cafe.
"I know." His voice is sweet and simple.
"Where is Seunghyun?" I ask him and the world seems to quiet down to eerie point and he pauses.
"I don't know, he leaves during lunch and then comes back and then leaves again. I'm worried about him." he frowns, a rare occasion considering Daesung is always smiling.
"Drive me to his house." My voice is demanding and the words exit my mouth without me being able to stop them.
"What?" He asks and opens the door for me but I turn away.
"I haven't seen him for three weeks. Could please just drive me to his house?" My voice sounds pleading and needy. I hated that.
"Uh yeah, I guess." His eyes search around,"he hasn't been so well, are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Then, we won't be going to his house." he looks down at the ground.
"What?"
"I know where he is and he isn't at home."
"Wait, you knew about this?" I ask.
"Yes." He is shameful and angry with himself.
"Let's take my car." I spin around.
He pushes me across the street and to the parking lot inside the back of the agency. We get in and he helps me in to the car with a series of carrying and folding of my wheelchair.
"Are you sure you want to go?" He asks me.
"Yes." I buckle myself in to the smooth leather seat.
"Okay," he sighs and shakes his head,"it's really-"
"Just please take me to see him, I can't drive and I really need someone to take me."
"I just want you to know-"
"Please Daesung," tears fill my eyes as I stare in to his eyes,"this could be my last chance."
"Okay," he pulls out of the parking spot and begins driving down the freeway. This really was a fight club. A dangerous, hole-in-the-wall, scary club. I could tell by where we were going. We were headed toward the outskirts of the city.

"Stay close to me okay?" He parks the car at the side of the street locking it three times. The street and surrounding buildings were gray and shadows filled the alleys. Trash and debris flew in the streets and cars rushed by making them float higher.
"Okay," I wheel next to him.
"Here I will just push you," his hands grip the handles and his knuckles almost turn white.
He walks up to a black door full of graffiti and scratches.
"Go." I speak softly to him as he eases the door open, revealing all the explanation I had needed.

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So a bit of a cliff hanger for all of you, sorry! 100 reads already!!! Anyways, hope you all like it and since there is this ending I will update asap. Have you all seen the teaser posters for Bang Bang Bang and We Like 2 Party for MADE Series A?! Love it and the guys look amazing! Tae's pink hair kills me, love it so much! Okay, I'll stop fangirling. Hope you all like it. You guys are the best!

Xoxo
Livi