I'm Just a Loser: A BigBang Fanfiction

No Matter What

A/N: That awkward moment when you try to do something and realize it is super confusing to everyone but you...realized that half way through writing this draft and then had to delete it all. Ugh the struggle is real. By the way, I know there has been frequent flashbacks but this one should have one in it. Sorry but they are the only way to make this sorta kinda fluffy without the entire thing being depressing and sad. *dramatic sigh* story of my life.

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I finished work that day and it dragged on and on. The guys didn't know what was going on, and wouldn't know for another week. I was so confused and weak and I was going to stay at home tomorrow. For sure.
"Bree!" I hear SeungRi tell from the other side of the agency as I attempt to walk out of the agency without being noticed,"Noona!"
"What?" I turn around huffing the air out of my chest to show my utter annoyance with not just him but practically everything.
Instead of any words, his arms collapsed over my shoulders creating a weight over me,"thank you."
"For what?" I ask resting my chin on his shoulder.
"For being such an amazing honorary sister to me, and finding Ezri for me. And thank you for helping hyung and encouraging all of us. I love you." He releases me smiling.
"Love you too Ri,"I smile trying to hide my pain as best as I could.
He pulled away from me, his blonde hair matching mine as he brushed it out of his face.
"I just am so happy and thankful for you." He smiled from ear-to-ear showing me just how ecstatic he was.
"I'm really happy for you Ri," I replied quickly, sounding more terse than I expected.
"Is there something wrong Noona?" He looked at me with his huge concerned panda eyes.
"Ani." I sigh and attempt to walk away but his hand grasps my upper arm firmly yet without any pain.
"Noona, what is wrong?" He asked. He didn't seem like it at first, but SeungRi had an amazing connection to emotions. He was a very 'connected' person and it was showing through right now.
"I will talk to you about everything later. I feel sick," I feel a pang of guilt and nausea build in my abdomen and my head feels lighter.
"Okay, please get some rest," he smiled,"and call me if you need anything."
"I will," I hug him again and take a breath of his light cologne, letting it relax me.
"Bye!" He waved to me as I walked out of the doors to the street calling a taxi to the curb.

•••

I sat on the seat and stared out the window. Christmas was coming soon and the lights and snow seemed to be making it feel even more near. I loved Christmas as a kid. I mean, adored it. But ever since the problem with my mom happened when I was thirteen, I just have never felt the same. It was like Christmas was just another day and the feelings that I had toward it were irrelevant. My dad always tried to make it the best for us although our money was depleting and keeping up a household with three girls was extremely expensive.
I automatically thought of last Christmas as I looked down at my fingers. My nails were painted black and my knuckles were dry.
"Oh," I covered my mouth to hide a small sob that escaped my mouth as my eyes spotted the silver ring on my right ring finger.

My mind wandered to last year at the same time as now.
"Merry Christmas," I heard a whisper against my mouth as I slowly opened my eyes and stared at my weird boyfriend hovering over me.
"Hi," I replied softly and quietly due to my sleepiness.
"How did you sleep?" he asked me, still in the same position, very close to my face.
"I couldn't. I was too excited for Santa." I smiled back at him.
"Well if you didn't sleep then that means he couldn't have come, right?" He laughs lightly, vibrating me slightly.
"But I want a present," I whined sarcastically.
"Well just because you are really cute, here," his lips press against mine and create a beautiful barrage of fireworks and pure love. His lips move in a way that matches mine, creating complete harmony and bliss.
"How was that for a present?" He smiles.
"The best one so far, but I bet Youngbae could give me a better one." I laugh but his face switches to frustration and jealousy very quickly.
"Really?"
"No way," I laugh, pulling him in for another lustful kiss.
"Merry Christmas," I whisper in his ear and we both get up and walk in to his living room.
There was a small fire in the pit and a few brightly decorated presents underneath our tiny, city Christmas tree. We both sit down on the carpet and he pulls out a very small box that had a pink bow on it.
"Well, let's start with this one," he smiles,"here open it."
"Okay," I looked at his eager eyes, I was expecting to open it up to see a funny, weird present, like the ones he always got me.
Instead, when I unwrap the paper from it, it's a ring box. I look at him and he nods for me to open it. I begin to get anxious.
"Look Seunghyun-"
"I know what you are thinking. Just open it." He smiles lightly with no nervousness in his voice at all.
My fingers pull up the top and it snaps open revealing a simple, yet beautiful band carved with very small flowers and vines, small diamonds hinting hear and there. I stare at it for a moment, feeling a tear slide down my cheek. I notice a small slip of paper pushed in to the corner.
I begin to read it as his protective eyes lay over me making me feel very safe.
"My Love,
This ring is not an engagement ring, don't worry. It is a memory ring. Probably haven't heard of one because I made it up. I want you to think of every memory we have together when you see this ring on your finger. Especially this one. Just know that I love you more than anything and no matter what, against all of the odds I always will. You are my sun, my escape and you will forever be.

Seung"

"Oh my god!" I hug him tightly, wrapping my arms around his neck slipping the ring on to my right ring finger as I do.
"Do you like it?" He asks me as I remain in the same embrace.
"I love it." I release him and cover his mouth with mine,"and I love you."
"I love you too." He replies as his face blends away and I am left at my dark apartment. Alone.

•••

I call in sick the next day, which was actually true to some level. I had a headache and I was pretty nauseous. I couldn't get him out of my mind and it was driving me completely crazy. It really is hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember. My sister Charlotte called but I didn't answer. I really just needed some time to myself.
After making breakfast, I shower and sit on my couch and turn the television on, the channel automatically going to my favorite drama.
I remember how much Seunghyun hated watching dramas but he always sucked it up on Fridays when my favorite would come out with a new episode.
The one that had come on was a rerun of one of my favorite episodes. The woman was being chased by the police with this man and they were holding hands.
I thought it was hilarious how they could make such a hectic moment in to a romantic one. But when I thought about it, that was something I found me doing when I was with Seunghyun. I tried to make every moment with him, as perfect as I could. Even if it was a situation that most would consider, crazy or even dangerous, it always was perfect with him there. In some ways.
After that I went to my room and changed from my robe, to a baggy sweater and leggings. I stared at the ring again and all sorts of memories swirled through my mind yet I pushed them away instead of letting them take over my thoughts.
"No." I said quietly to myself and pulled it off of my finger and set it in the farthest corner of my jewelry box. I wasn't going to let it control me like that. We were done and that's how I needed to treat the ring.

I walked in to the kitchen to get a glass of water and noticed a light imprint of something on the same finger. There was very small words in my skin that the ring had created. It read,"No matter what."

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Okay so hope you all like this chapter as much as I do because there are some sweet things in it and don't forget that ring because it will be important later. The drama I was mentioning was It's Okay That's Love. I am watching it right now and I LOVE it. Anyways see you soon and as always, vote, comment, and follow!

Xoxo
Livi

P.S. You guys are the best.
P.P.S. Seriously.