I'm Just a Loser: A BigBang Fanfiction

I'm Still Connected

I can't stop how I feel. At this point I don't know what I should do. We were both so lost and struggling so much. All I wanted was for our love to be like how it is in the movies, fun, gentle, soft, and easy. But our love was dangerous, rough, hard, and difficult.

My legs stumbled underneath my weight as I made my way to my apartment from the cab. I decided to just go straight home, where I could be alone and drink the rest of my sanity away.
I unlock the door, walk inside, and pull out all of my alcohol stashed away for exactly this situation.
"I fucking hate you Seunghyun," I mumbled to myself as the top of the liquor bottle pushed against my chapped lips. "But I love you. But I hate you."

My mind swirls with thoughts of the past, bringing back deeper scars than the ones Seung had given me.
"Bree?" I hear a woman's voice behind my back.
"What?" I spin around on my bar stool only to find the air static and no one standing there.
"Bree I'm sorry," this time a whisper.
"What the..." I gasp as my heart begins to pound quickly, not only from the alcohol but because my brain was playing tricks on me.
"I love you," I finally recognize the long lost tone. My mother.

I look over toward the couch where the remote and blankets are still spilled across the gray fabric. It begins to morph in to a scene, one similar to a time I used to know.
I see a younger version of me, Sitting on the carpet in my childhood home with my dad.
I can't hear anything but my mother comes inside the outside door, the exact same one I remember. Her mouth looks as if she was screaming at my dad. They begin to fight and my mother slaps my father leaving him in a cloud of hate and disgust as I sit and watch. She smirks and says something to him and he freezes in shock.

I remember those words.

"You know, affairs are fun. You should try one sometime," are the exact words I remember spilling from her snake-like lips.

The scene disappears and I am left woozy and scared with a shot in my hand. My hands shake and I go back to my drowsy state, forgetting about the moments before. Wishing it would wash away every single memory, until I hit a point where the world was dark and I fell to the floor collapsing under a veil of liquor and pain.

•••

I woke up around noon the next day on the floor, in the same position as where I fell. My head was pounding, I was nauseous and the world seemed to spin underneath me.
I stumbled up the stairs and turned the shower on, drinking as much water as I possibly could out of the faucet.
Slowly the spinning stopped and my head was now only a small ache.
The water rushed down my face, awaking me from the daze I had been trapped in for the past few hours since I had woken up.
Afterwards I took my towel and wrapped it around myself, reaching for my phone on the bathroom counter.
"Ji?" I asked calling him.
"Yeah?" his voice was alert, which was surprising since he was pretty drunk last night.
"Is he still there?" My voice is high and innocent, making me feel vulnerable.
"Yeah but they are letting him out today, he went off with a 'warning'. Jesus, Bree what are we going to do?" I could feel his genuine concern.
"I don't know. I thought you would know."
"I am really worried about him. If he can't get himself together outside of work, I don't know what YG is going to do. I mean he is exhausting himself at the club and using fighting to get his depression out but it is just making it worse. He isn't stopping and I'm afraid he is going to hurt himself really bad." JiYong stutters on the last letter.
"Are you picking him up?" I ask.
"Yeah, the guys and I are. How is Ri?" He asks me.
"I'm not with him right now."
"Oh shit." I hear Ji curse under his breath,"I told you to watch him! He gets really hungry when he is hungover. Where is he right now?"
"At Ha Neul's apartment," I grab my keys before he can say to go to her house.
"Could you go check on him?" He asks.
"On my way," I hang up, get dressed and walk out of the door as my head hurts lightly and my stomach can actually keep something down.