Lily Rose Styles

Chapter 51- Forgive&Forget

Lily's P.O.V.

Dear Diary,

well today (3rd January) I did something I haven't done in years. Something I was to afraid to do to meet the truth. I read through all of my past entries, and I realized something. I realized ... that... nothing is getting better. nothing! I swore I'd never read through them again because I don't like to be reminded of what my life was and is like. I bought a diary to try to cope with my emotions and daily struggles. I bought this to try to put my thoughts on a piece of paper, to let them out and reading through those entries was a mistake. It's so much like someone shoved a t.v in front of me and forced me to watch the pathetic life of mine. why is life so hard? why do some people have everything, some don't? Deep down I want to be normal and happy again, but unfortunately with the life I lead that is quite impossible. You know? There been a lot on my mind lately , suicide mostly.Asphalt to me has never looked so soft, railways never looked so inviting, blood draining from my veins never sounded so relaxing. But, can I still get into heaven if I even choose to commit suicide? If not then to the unreasonable god or whoever is up there, fuck yourself.

I sighted deeply as I shut my diary shut, I was getting to worked up and I need to calm down or else I'm going to end up having a panic attack. Stupid anxiety.

It's only morning and I'm on the verge of breaking down, worse to say, everyone has been all over me lately, Louis and Harry mostly, they keep asking me so much questions like how I feel, and I'm not gona lie, it stresses me out. A lot. I just want to be alone but they do not understand that, sighting I ran my fingers through my head. Mum and Dad have postponed their wedding to later this month, which gives me time to pack my bags and run the hell out of here.

I don't really know how I feel. I feel so much pain that I just don't feel anything any more. Numbness surrounds me. It's a part of me.

Why am I wasting myself, it's obvious I will not get better, why carry on? because my so called family want me here? it's not their choice.

It's mine.

Anyway, people tell you to do what makes you happy right? right?

Plus no one ever gave me a better option.

Well that doesn't matter any more, in 4 months I'm 15, after that 365 days more and I'm packing my bags and leaving this place, without looking back.

Some times, I wish upon a star. To take away the pain, to free me up into the air. Delighted.

So, what should I do? Sit here and think. No. Thinking is not good. It only leads to over thinking which leads to bigger problems. Which is quite ironic when people say, do things that takes your mind of things, which is 10x harder when nothing brings you any piece of joy. Theres that feeling fulfilment, you just don't like doing anything any more. Anything that interested you just dissapered till the point your sat there, starring at your wall, battling that awful mind of yours. How are you even supposed to function when your own brain can't function properly?

"Hey Lily?" I snapped my head towards the door, not having to expected someone.

"Hmm" I hummed back to Liam, not really interested in what he had to say.

"You ate breakfast?" I sighted silently, I haven't yet ate breakfast, and I know he is only worried about me. But still. Something like that really annoys me.