Cats In the Cradle

12. Daniel

My mom called me when I was driving home after work. I didn't really want to answer. But she had been really busy lately, and I was working full-time now, so we hadn't spoken in a while.

"Hey mom!" I said, after it rang a few times. I tried my best to sound happy and normal.

"Hi, baby. I miss you. How was work?" She said cheerfully. Too cheerfully.

"Uhh... Good, I think. Mr. Augustus is really nice. He invited me to a work retreat next week, so I think I'm going to go. Might be fun." I lied.

For some reason, I didn't want to tell her that it was actually a church retreat. I guess I felt like she'd be able to tell I was more depressed than I was letting on if she knew I was suddenly wanting to join a church. And I felt like I needed to protect her; I didn't want her to worry.

"Oh, that sounds nice! How long is the retreat?" She asked, still too cheerfully.

"Um, I think a week? I've heard they're really nice, and we still get paid, so that's kinda cool."

"Well I'm happy you're going, then. You've been kind of...off lately. And I know I've been so busy lately with this huge case I'm working on, baby. I'm so sorry. Your siblings and I have been a little worried about you."

I swallowed thickly, feeling like my chest was tightening and my throat was closing up. I didn't think they'd noticed. I didn't think anyone had noticed, besides Mr. Augustus.

"Uh...yeah I don't know, mom. Just...trying to figure things out, I guess. Still getting over all that shi—stuff—with Sienna." I choked out, praying I sounded normal.

"It's ok, Daniel. You can say shit. It was...very shitty." My mom joked gently. I forced a chuckle, still breathing deeply, trying to force my tears down.

"Aaliyah told me...she said you asked about Alessandro. Apparently you were the only one who never looked up our divorce..." She continued cautiously.

Fuck, I guess we're going there. I rubbed my face tiredly, not even sure I had it in me to have this talk with her right now.

"Daniel, it's ok," she said in that soft, motherly voice that always made me want to crumble.

"It was wrong of me to expect you kids not to wonder about what happened. I should've told you guys myself, instead of letting you find out online... It was just...it's hard to talk about still. And I didn't ever want you 4 to think that...the way you were brought into the world...was your fault somehow. Or that I didn't want you. Because you're everything to me, all of you. I'm so, so sorry, baby."

I was full-on crying now, taking quiet, shuddering breaths, hoping she couldn't hear me through the speaker.

"I'm just so scared, mom. He is a fucking terrible, sick piece of shit. And the way...the way I treated Sienna... What if I'm exactly like him?" I whispered, barely containing my sobs.

"Baby, you're nothing at all like him. Not even a little. Trust me... I would know." She said soothingly.

"But I hurt her—"

"Daniel, she wanted you to hurt her! You were two, consenting adults. It's not the same at all. You didn't force her. You didn't hurt her in a way that caused actual damage—"

"But sometimes I wanted to!" I blurted, finally saying aloud the deepest, darkest part of me that scared me the most.

"She wanted me to...hurt her. And I did. Gently. She didn't even realize I was being gentle. That if I really lost my shit—lost control—I could kill her. It wouldn't even be hard, mom. Sometimes, she'd piss me off so bad, that I would imagine what would happen if I really showed her—"

"But you didn't. You didn't actually do it. You knew when to stop. You never hurt her more than she asked you to. That's the difference between you and Alessandro, Daniel! He didn't hold back. He didn't hurt me because I wanted him to.

"He hurt me because he wanted to. And he never felt any remorse, never questioned whether any of his actions made him a terrible person. Never apologized or felt the need to. Everything was my fault, always.

"You're nothing like him. You're young and you got into a toxic relationship that brought out the worst in you, but that doesn't make you a bad person. You're good, and you're kind. Ok?" She sounded like she was crying now, too.

I stayed silent, choking back my tears as I turned into my parking space at home.

"Ok??" She pressed again, when I didn't answer her.

"Ok," I finally replied, although I wasn't entirely sure I believed her.

She still saw me as her sweet little boy. She only saw the best in me. She didn't know that sometimes, after I spanked and bruised Sienna, I genuinely wished I could do more. I wished I didn't have my mom's voice in my head, reminding me I was kind, reminding me to hold back.

She didn't know that now I also had another voice in my head, keeping me up at night.

My father's voice, telling me I was just like him. Tall and strong like him. A natural leader, like him. Someone who was fucked up enough to want to hurt a woman, like him.

Telling me that she would've deserved it if I had taken things too far.

She only saw the best in me.

She didn't see the truth.