stella zegras, twin sister of trevor zegras, navigates her way through the ups and downs of being the only female on the new jersey devils, or any nhl team for that matter.
while she lives in new jersey, and the rest of her family lies in anaheim, i...
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i overthink overthinking.
i'm anxious about anxiety.
i'm terrified of being terrified.
i'm afraid that i'm afraid.
making mistakes is a mistake.
i fear that fear will ruin everything.
i'm scared of being scared.
i can quiet my mind or my mouth, but then the other one starts to scream.
if i think before i speak, i don't speak at all.
not thinking before i speak is dangerous.
nothing is making me feel so anxious today, it's not even like i'm playing this game. but here i am sitting in the locker room about to have a break down.
what is wrong with me?
i should be fine, i have nothing to be anxious about.
but me repeatedly telling that to myself over and over again didn't stop my hands from shaking and breathing to become harder.
in through the nose, out through the mouth.
"zegras?"
at least pretend your okay, stella. just until he leaves.
"hm?" i say standing up wiping my hands on my leggings.
"are you ok?" he asks.
"yep." i reply quickly. "i'm good."
"no you're not." he says. i hate how he can see right through me.
"i'm fine." i say.
"you aren't, what's wrong?" he asks.
"i said i'm fine, hughes. why do you care all of a sudden about me." i try to walk past him, out of the locker room, but he grabs my wrist.
"do you know why your brother hates me?" he says. this is completely irrelevant right now.
"you said something about that hit and he said something about how you play, but i don't really know in depth what was said." i say.
"that's not what happened." jack states.
"what do you mean?" i ask. for the past 2 and a half years i thought i had the complete story in my mind.
"he was so frustrated with me so he started saying random things about me and family that just aren't true because he was mad." jack states.
"what was he mad about?" i ask.
"...i can't tell you." jack states. "but, look, the point is, we were friends at a point, best friends actually and it's not fair that you're treating me like this because of some lie your brother told you."
"i...i didn't know." i say. "i'm sorry."
"it's fine," he says. "friends?"
"yeah."
"yeah." he replies, his smile peaking through a little bit.
"for what it's worth," i say. i shouldn't be holding him up right now, considering the game starts in a little bit. "i never wanted to stop being friends."
"i know, stel." he says.
stel.
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the game ended 1-0, the devils winning. the goal that was scored was by jack but it's wasn't until the 3rd period.
coach told me that i'll be able to play next week instead of sitting out, so i'll be back in a week before i expected to.
i still have to talk to trevor about the whole jack situation, so that's what i'm doing once i get home.
i click on his contact and facetime him. "hello?" he says once he picks up.
"hey," i say. "can i talk to you about something?" he nods so i continue.
"what exactly happened with you and j-hughes." i say.
"uh, i don't know why you're asking." trevor says.
"just answer the question." i say.
"he said some stuff about our family, and i didn't really like it." trevor said.
"its really strange that you say that because that's what you've been telling me for the past 2 and a half years." i say.
"but i'm asking you to tell me the actual truth, trevor." i say.
"what do you mean? that is the actual truth. did hughes tell you something? because i swear to god if he-"
"this isn't about him. tell me the actual truth, trevor." i say.
"...he did something and it made me angry, so i got mad at him and started saying stuff about his family so that he'll stop doing the thing that's making me angry." he says.
what is this thing that no one is telling me?
"okay... well did he stop?" i ask.
"no. he didn't and that's why i'm still mad at him about it." trevor states.
"maybe, you should talk it out like the civil adults you are instead of you acting like a child." i say.
"so you're taking his side?" trevor says.
"he didn't say anything rude about our family. and you lied to be about what happened for years and ruined my perfectly good friendship with him over something you won't even tell me!" i say.
"i was friends with him too, you know." trevor says.
"could've fooled me." i say before hanging up the phone.
i put my phone in my hands and hold it under my chin, but then it starts ringing again, it's mckenna.
"are you ok, stel?" she says.
"no, no! i'm not okay! and why do you even care? huh? you only care about me because i'm your boyfriend's sister a-and you are only calling me to tell him everything i say and that's why i can't confide in you anymore!" i say.
"and don't call me stel anymore!"
from sprinkler splashes to fireplace ashes.
maybe i overreacted, maybe i didn't. but i'm so frustrated right now with trevor and mckenna.
for once, i'm not frustrated with jack.
mkenna and i used to be best friends, she knew me before she knew trevor. but once they started dating, she changed.
it's so strange how people can change.
now, i can't help but wondering if she only got close to me to get close to trevor. i don't know if mckenna and i are still friends, and i don't know if i want to be friends with her anymore.
i don't know anything anymore.
i knew everything and 17, but i know nothing at 21.
i need to clear my head. i grabbed my car keys and my phone and got into my car. i just want to drive around for a little bit.
