gorgeous • jack hughes

024

CAN'T SLEEP
12.31.2022
jack's point of view

i can't sleep.

we just got back to newark after we played the penguins today in pittsburgh. i should be tired because directly from the game we flew home and that should make me tired but i just can't sleep.

i should be getting sleep right now but i can't. my pillows are warm, i can hear the heat running in my house, the darkness in my room is awkward.

everything is just off.

it's 2:34 in the morning and it's new year's eve. which got me thinking about typical new year's eve traditions.

the entire team, plus whoever they each want to bring to the party, comes over to my house and we ring in the new year together.

it's pretty fun but cleaning it up the morning after is tiring. this is the first year i can actually drink, but i don't know if i plan to. i don't want my first memories of the new year to be me drunk.

before we left for pittsburgh, i took down my little christmas tree i put up, so i can't do that now.

i want to do something to pass the time until i either get tired or it becomes morning.

i've never had anyone to kiss at midnight and considering stella and i never really established what we are, i don't know if she's the right option.

well of course i want to kiss her, it's just a little complicated right now.

i know we aren't just friends because you can't just confess mutual love for each other and stay friends after that, but we never really figured anything out.

if i'm going to take a guess at why i can't sleep, that's probably it.

i want to talk to her about it now, but it's 2:40 in the morning and she's most likely asleep. i definitely shouldn't do it.

i shouldn't do it, but why am i getting out of my bed right now? and putting shoes on? and grabbing my keys?

okay, i'm actually doing this then.

what am i even gonna say?

do i just blurt out how i feel?

just kiss her?

test out the waters and see how she feels right now?

what if she's asleep and doesn't even answer the door?

there's too many possibilities.

deep breath, jack. everything's gonna be fine.

the roads are utterly deserted, which is very creepy, not even truckers are in the road right now.

once my subconscious got me to stella's house, i waited in my car. i'm a plan person and i don't have a plan right now. maybe that's good, maybe i shouldn't have a plan.

i turn the ignition off in my car and lock the door once i'm outside of it. i get to her floor of the apartment complex, and stand there.

i'm overthinking this too much. it's not like anything bad will happen.

unless she yells at me for interrupting her sleep and i have to drive back home.

or we do end up talking and she thinks it would be better if we stayed friends.

or if she doesn't even want to be friends at all.

all three are horrible options but i really hope it's not the last one, i could imagine my life without stella in it.

even when we were 'enemies', she was still, in some way, apart of my life.

but i can't keep dealing with this not knowing stuff, i'm literally losing sleep over this.

i just have to knock, it's not hard.

okay, i'm doing it, i'm knocking.

i wait a little, and i almost turn around and leave but then the door opens.

"jack?" she says. "what are you doing here? it's like three in the morning."

"i couldn't sleep." i say. thankfully, she lets me in. she's wearing a big devils t-shirt and i'm pretty sure she has shorts on underneath.

"so you come here because you couldn't sleep?" she starts walking towards the kitchen so i follow her.

"correct." i respond.

"and there is absolutely no other reason why you decided to show up to my apartment at three o'clock in the morning?" she says handing me a glass of water.

i must've acted funny, she's on to me.

"well, yes. but no. it's complicated. i just-"

"what is it?" she asks.

"well, um-"

"are we about to have the 'what are we' talk right now?" she asks.

"yeah." i say looking down at the glass in my hand.

"if we do this we can't go back, this is for real now." she says.

"a risk i'm willing to take."

"and if things don't work out?"

"they will."

"but if we don't tell anyone, things don't usually work out, it causes problems." she says.

"you're you, i'm me, and we both understand why we can't necessarily tell people. but anyways, i'm pretty sure we can tell inner circle." i say.

"okay, yeah."

"so were just together now?"

"boyfriend and girlfriend."

"i must admit, it's a little anticlimactic. i was expecting fireworks or something." i say.

"well that part usually happens with the two people ki-"

fireworks.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

IM YOURS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS EVER