Finding Mr. Knight (DDLB) | ✔️

14.

Monday night made one thing very clear for me.

Actually, two things.

It made me realize that one, I am not interested in anything more than friendship with Myles, and two, I am in no way, shape, or form close to getting over Alek.

I may wish I could be over him after how he's been acting and how he just left me for so long, but I'd be lying to myself. Even thinking those words felt wrong. Maybe it's pathetic, but I can't help how my heart feels.

After we had dinner on Monday night, Myles offered to drive me home. All was well until he decided to kiss me. It's not like I didn't necessarily want him to, I just wasn't really ready for it. It wasn't like I thought or hoped it was going to be either. It was awkward and I didn't feel the spark like I once did with Alek.

The kiss was also a little. . . Messy. There was a lot of tongue and a little too much saliva on my face. He was just a little too into it. Definitely more than I was.

The second his lips touched mine I wanted the kiss to stop but I didn't want to be mean or hurt his feelings, so I let it happen. I think after we pulled apart we both kind of came to the understanding that whatever was going on between us died right there. I mean, I said thank you and Myles went to shake my hand. . .

I waited all week to try and work up the courage to tell Myles we'd be better off as just friends, but he texted me Friday evening and said exactly what I was going to.

I felt so unbelievably relieved when I saw his message, it felt like a big weight was removed from my chest. I don't like doing things that could hurt someone, but it's nice to know he wouldn't have been hurt if I texted him first anyways. I guess I didn't have to avoid him at work all week, but I don't know how to handle certain situations so sometimes it's better for me to just avoid them.

Maybe like I've kind of been doing with Alek.

I know I should talk to him and at least hear what he has to say. There's no way I'll ever be able to move on if I don't know the truth. It's just hard to even look at him. It makes me remember our time together and it really hurts. All I want to do when I see him is break down and cry. Alek was different too, he wasn't his usual self which made me feel sad too. What if he's changed too much and we're not compatible anymore?

That thought alone is terrifying.

My brain was driving me crazy so I decided to go to bed really early and be ready for my shift at Daisy's tomorrow.

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And it's safe to say I had a sleep from hell. I've never had such dark bags under my eyes before. I was tossing and turning the whole night! Today was the one day I felt glad for having glasses because they hid my tiredness a little bit. I swear I'm about one more bad sleep away from turning in to a zombie!

I put on the outfit I chose last night. My favorite pair of jeans; they're a really pretty blue denim in the mom jeans style, but they're for boys. I rolled up the ankles of them a little bit and paired it with my black Daisy's shirt and a beige cardigan with white Daisy's on it! It may be a little feminine, but I feel really pretty when I wear my favorite clothes!

I fixed my hair in the mirror and put my curling defrizzing what ever the heck in it and met Anthony at the front door. Chris was taking the day off but Anthony was going to work too and he offered me a ride.

We didn't really talk about much on the way there. I think he was tired and so was I. Probably for different reasons, but still. On the bright side we did stop for coffee on the way! I got a caramel iced coffee with whipped cream! It's so tasty and just what I need to get me through today.