Finding Mr. Knight (DDLB) | ✔️

33.

Alek
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There is not a single word that can explain the guilt I'm experiencing. I know none of this was technically my fault, burning a way it was.

I know Anthony feels that it's all my fault, he's voiced his opinion to me plenty of times. Like I don't already feel bad enough.

I not only have to deal with the horrendous thoughts and memories of me being tortured the last two years, but now I have Noah to care for and everyone else is out to attack me.

I'm sick and tired of being portrayed as the bad guy.

Yeah, maybe I put on the tough guy facade, but inside, in simple terms. . . I'm hurting.

I can hardly close my eyes without picturing the men I've had to murder. The blood on my hands. The physical and mental pain I was put through. No one seems to realize, or maybe they genuinely don't care about me and only worry about Noah's well-being.

I'm glad Noah has such a strong support system. I'm envious of him. Maybe even a little jealous.

I feel so out of place around everyone besides Noah and Julian. I don't feel like I belong. I'm just an outsider who's fucking up everyone's lives in the process. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but how can I not be?

I got Noah's stuffed teddy from the car, smiling at the thought of how happy Mrs. Cuddles makes him.

If she wasn't in the car, I'd have drove to his apartment just to get it for him. I can't bear to see my beautiful boy sad. I'd rather support him through this than think about my past. Caring for my boy keeps my mind busy. I can easily admit that being with him is helping me heal.

"Hey, you guys about ready to go?" I looked up to see Agent Giovani approaching with Agent Moore.

"Probably. I'll go in and check. Does everything look okay out here?"

"Yes. We did a full sweep of the premises, and two undercovers did a drive around the area. There is nothing of concern. We do need to get going though."

"Alright. Give me a minute, I'll go check on everything." I walked back in the house. In the entry way, Noah was sat on the stairs waiting; his eyes dark and bloodshot.

"Oh, Noah! I forgot I have a gift for you!" Fox shouted as he ran back up the stairs.

"A gift?" He perked up, looking over his shoulder, but Fox had already disappeared.

"Hi, Daddy." He whispered sadly.

He looked as though he was going to cry again, so I knelt down in front of him and set Mrs. Cuddles on his lap.

"Look, baby boy. I got Mrs. Cuddles for you." I smiled, caressing his soft cheek.

"Thank you so much, Daddy. You're so kind." His tiny arms wrapped around my neck. He attacked me in a tight hug, almost making me fall backwards.

"Of course, baby. I will do everything in my power to make you happy." I smiled genuinely, kissing his sweet lips.

"Can I ask you something?" He muttered under his breath.