Lost and Found: A Tale of the Tylwyth Teg

Chapter 21 - Webs

As soon as I got home, I found Abe helping Anne straighten up the house for our afternoon guests. While Anne meticulously went over the shopping list and my purchases, I called Abe aside.

"I think Gwen has some eyes and ears in our house." Abe looked at me in disbelief.

"I can personally vouch for every Teg here! None would..."

"I know, Abe. These would be spies no one would suspect. I need some very good but small hunters to capture them."

"We have a group of about 30 Callicantzaroi from our last skirmish. They're bruised but able-bodied," Abe said, "although some of their bodies are more able than others. They'd be delighted at the opportunity to show their mettle!" I gave him full instructions to relay to our allies, and he disappeared downstairs to our makeshift Tylwyth Barracks and Infirmary.

Anne had several kitchen gadgets in various stages of use: a blender, a Cuisinart, a crockpot, a steamer, and a standing bowl mixer. Both ovens were working overtime. Watching her, the dust motes in the bright California sunlight collected themselves into the faint outlines of fairy wings. They created an optical illusion where my beloved was flitting from dip to dip, homemade bread loaves to fruit and cheese plates.

"Where have you sent dear Abe?" she asked. "I need him."

"We've a situation, and he's rallying the Cally...Callookintzooroo (?) to lend their help."

"Oh! You mean the Old Fairy Farts and Goblin Geezers? They're both irritating and adorable at the same time. What do you need them for?"

"Spy catching!" I replied.

"You do remember we have guests of the human kind this afternoon and evening. We have an hour at best." Anne looked at me sternly. "I do," I answered, "and we should be hearing from them sooner than that."

While Anne was giving me instructions on rearranging the furniture, the Old Fairy Farts and Goblin Geezers filed into the room, depositing their collected specimen bags in front of them, which bulged and rolled with the movement of two hundred or more legs. These Tylwyth were quite possibly the ugliest fairies I'd ever seen. Those who were not assisted by female goblins in various states of disability, from the blind to the lame, rode chickens as their steeds.

They were also nude. Which would have been lewd, but for the fact that they possessed comically large genitalia. Their leader – he who rode the only rooster – bowed to us.

"All house spiders present and accounted for, ma'am."

"Did you separate the ones with two big eyes?" It was my hunch that Gwen's spyders would all look the same. The goblin gals opened the sack, and there it was – the spyder I'd seen jumping from Abe's back last night, along with around 4 dozen of its brood.

"Eddie!" I called. In moments he appeared on the drawing room windowsill, with two friends in tow. He seemed to know what I wanted, for he 'cawed.' The Callicantzaroi clapped and danced while the spyders were eaten, and the remaining innocent arachnids were released. At the sound of a car pulling into the driveway, the Teg ran off to the basement.

"I swear to you, Lils," Anne said, "If I somehow manage to survive this weekend, I'm going to spend a day shopping in town and max out one credit card. You will accompany me as my pack animal." She managed to somehow sweep away the smashed bugs with one swipe of a broom and vanished into the kitchen.

Abe had laid out some warm spiced cider, along with some of Annie's cinnamon churros and cardamom quince mini-muffins – and then he too scrambled into the kitchen. I opened the door to see Fay Buynite and her son Scott, with the hands holding bags of chips, two six-packs of Cwtch Red Ale, two bottles of the excellent Penderyn Whiskey, and a warm loaf of Bara Brith (Welsh fruitcake.) Rita carried a large pot of Cawl (Beef Stew with veggies.)