Outsiders x Harry Potter --- For the soul

Year 3

Johnny Cade woke from his petrified slumber in a daze. Where was he? What was his purpose in life? What else could he do? What was he? Who was he? All of these questions needed answers.

"Hello, Johnny," a snake-like voice whispered in his mind. "I'm sorry about all this. Didn't mean to petrify you."

"Then why did you?" Johnny asked, very confused and kinda scared.

"Because you're a Hufflepuff," the voice replied, easily. "Wimps, the lot of them. But you're special, aren't you, Johnnycake?"

Johnny scowled. "Cade," he corrected. "My last name is Cade."

People had been messing it up since first year, when the sorting hat had called him "Johnny Cake" and it had stuck. He was desperate to get them to stop, but something about the voice was very special. It was that of a snake, a voice you didn't want to mess with. So if the voice told him that he would call him "Johnnycake" if he felt like it, Johnny wouldn't say anything.

"I'm sorry," the voice said. "That dumb hat calls kids all sorts of names, usually the wrong last names. He's a hoss, he calls people things based of food all the time. The teachers worry that he'll eat a student some day. Om nom nom nom."

"You're teasing me," Johnny said, feeling pretty embarrassed. What was next, the voice would tease his accent? Johnny was from the south of America. Tulsa, Oklahoma: a place he didn't miss one bit.

"Maybe a little," the voice acknowledged. "My name's Voldemort. I'm glad to meet you, Johnny Cake."

And with that, the voice was gone.

****

At the beginning of his third year, Johnny Cade wondered if he'd ever hear the voice again. The voice had visited three or four times over the summer, usually just for a minute to tease him, but Johnny came to rely on these visits. He had a pretty rough home life, and the voice was the only thing that could get him out of there.

When he got on the train, the voice returned. Nice to see you, Johnnycake. The teasing was already in his voice.

"Hi," Johnny whispered so he wouldn't catch the attention of the other people on the train. He'd spoken out loud to the voice at home and his mom had called him a "f-----g schizophreniac" and then slapped him; he didn't need a similar, more magical, reaction. "How are you?"

Well, aren't you a gentleman? The voice asked. Why was he still teasing Johnny when he'd only been trying to be nice? Don't get offended, Johnnycake, Voldemort said, his tone more soft and gentle than anyone would ever hear it. Anyone but Johnny, anyway. I was only joking. I'm doing fine. What about you?

Johnny shrugged, but he didn't think Voldemort could see him. "I'm okay," he lied. He really wasn't, but what was the point in saying that?

That's good, Voldemort returned. Listen, will you do me a favor?

"What favor?"

Can you just....kill the kid in front of you for me?

Johnny looked up. In front of him was a dark-haired, lanky boy who was tripping over his own shoelaces. It was a boy in his year: Harry Potter, sometimes, for some reason, called Bob Sheldon. It was an alias, or so Johnny was told, meant to keep him safe in the muggle world. Frankly, it made Johnny Cade want to kill him. Do it, my love, Voldemort whispered. For me.

"Sure," Johnny whispered, almost instantly. Summoning his pocket-Glock, Johnny shot Harry Potter/Bob Sheldon. He didn't see it coming, Johnny mused, because Brits don't know what a gun is. Johnny dropped his glock back into his pocket and played the victim.

"He just died," Johnny said, his voice monotone.

"You're sure nothing happened?" The trolley witch asked.

"Nope," Johnny said. "I don't even know what caused it."

Good thinking, Johnnycake, the voice whispered. British people don't know about guns.

****

The only person that Johnny trusted with his relationship was Dallas Winston, the friend of the girl who died last year. The friend of the guy who died this year, that Harry Potter dude, was Ron Weasley, and he became real tight with Steve Randle, also a transfer student from Tulsa, Oklahoma. There were a lot of kids from Oklahoma in the school at that time.

Johnny and Dallas became good "buddies," as people from Oklahoma said. Johnny spoke of his relationship with Tom, to avoid suspicion from other people around. He even invited Dally---poor soul---to the concert Voldemort told Johnny that he would be performing in.

The bar was lowly lit. It was a muggle bar. The boys got out by leaving the grounds on a "field trip" organized by Dally, who was something of an evil genius. Stools were all around and made from wood, as though in a Tech Ed class for seventh graders.

There he was. Dressed in a black suit with a black shirt and a black tie, Voldemort was a wraith in black. Exactly as he told Johnny he'd be. "I'm back," he said to the crowd and Johnny was thrilled to hear his snake-like voice in person.

"This song," he said, grabbing his jazz guitar, "is for a very special guy in the crowd. My boyfriend, Johnny."

Johnny blushed and the crowd went "Awwwww!" Dally bumped Johnny on the shoulder and they all got ready to hear the song.

"Oh, Johnnycake,
"I wanna put you in my faceeeee
"Oh, Johnnybabe,
"I'd kill the whole schoool for youuuuuu
"In fact, that's what I'm gonna dooooo
"Do it for Johnnyyyyyy
"Johnnybaby
"Do it for Johnyyy
"Johnnyhoney
"I'll do it for you!!!!"

The crowd went bonkers. People fell off their rockers, they were throwing things, and singing about Johnny. Johnny nearly died from embarrassment, but he felt so loved, a feeling he never got at home.

He went up to Voldemort and kissed him on his beautifully shaped lips. He may have had no nose, but that just made kissing him all the more easy. No awkward nose maneuvering required.

"That was really good," Johnny pulled his mouth briefly from Voldemort's to deliver his special message. "I loved it."

"I'm glad," Voldemort whispered back. "It's about you, you know."

Even in real life, Voldemort still teased Johnny. And Johnny loved him all the better for it.

He knew, right then and there, that nothing could break them apart. But happiness was short-lived.

Author's Note:
How do we feel, how do we feel? It's a rollercoaster of laughter writing this, because we're just doing it to make fun of fanfiction writers. No foul. Love some of your work. But lots of it sucks, just like this. We made the song in the pool during vacation and came up with the idea of the fic because one of us brought up Dally x Snape fanfictions and how they probably exist. Don't worry, that one's coming.
- The authors