"That is all I want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful."
—
Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation
~~~~~#
Belal
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It was two days after the Nikkah, two days after I asked for the sister's walee's number, and two straight days of hard core thinking, of whether the sister is right for me.
I was still at the masjid, we prayed our Magrib salaah 15 mins ago, I just wanted to have time to myself before I go home. So I decided that there is no better time than today to pray our istikaraah salaah.
"Allaahumma 'innee 'astakheeruka bi'ilmika, wa 'astaqdiruka biqudratika, wa 'as'aluka min fadhlikal-'Adheemi, fa'innaka taqdiru wa laa 'aqdiru, wa ta'lamu, wa laa 'a'lamu, wa 'Anta 'Allaamul-Ghuyoobi, Allaahumma 'in kunta ta'lamu 'anna haathal-'amra- (azawj min ukht)
- Khayrun lee fee deenee wa ma'aashee wa 'aaqibati 'amree - Faqdurhu lee wa yassirhu lee thumma baarik lee feehi, wa 'in kunta ta'lamu 'anna haathal-'amra sharrun lee fee deenee wa ma'aashee wa 'aaqibati 'amree - Fasrifhu 'annee wasrifnee 'anhu waqdur liyal-khayra haythu kaana thumma 'ardhinee bihi. "
"O Allah, I seek the counsel of Your Knowledge, and I seek the help of Your Omnipotence, and I beseech You for Your Magnificent Grace. Surely, You are Capable and I am not. You know and I know not, and You are the Knower of the unseen. O Allah, if You know that this matter (to marry the sister)
- is good for me in my religion and in my life and for my welfare in the life to come, - then ordain it for me and make it easy for me, then bless me in it. And if You know that this matter is bad for me in my religion and in my life and for my welfare in the life to come, - then distance it from me, and distance me from it, and ordain for me what is good wherever it may be, and help me to be content with it."
SubhanAllah, Allah is all knowing of what is in the breast, Allah knows what I need and what I want, Allah sees my struggles, He is the All-seer. Ya Rab, Lord of the Heavens and the Earth and everything inbetween, You have made everything into pairs and mates, be it the animals or the insaan, so Ya Rab please ordain for me a sister that will benefit me in this life and the hereafter, that will help me raise my children upon the correct tarbiyaah**
My eyes were filling with tears and my heart was going on over drive, my mind started to fill thoughts of 'if onlys' but if only are wishes of the shaytaan; thoughts that are worthless and a literally waste your energy.
So I stick with alhamdulilah, and hope that Allah guides me through everything.
~~~~~#
I Stepped through the door with my right foot, and straight away, I could sense that something wasn't right. I closed the door and went looking for my mum and sisters, I know my brother and dad are probably on there way home.
The kitchen was empty, as well as all the other rooms. This is strange.
Yesmine said she would be home. I decided to call her phone.
"Asalamu alaycum Yesmine, ayna anti** ? " I could hear people speaking fast... and beeping, that could only mean one thing.
"Belal, what the hell? How many times do I need to call you? "
" You didn't- where are you? "There is no point in giving excuses when I am already dreading the answer I will be receiving.
"I'm at the hospital with Farieda, mum was vomitting really badly... I'm scared Belal. Last time this happened, we nearly lost her. " She said in a shaky voice and I already knew she was crying.
