"Been wondering if your heart's still open and if so I wanna know what time it shuts."— Arctic Monkeys
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Love.
That was all I was seeking. All I wanted was a crazy, pick-me-off-the-floor-swing-me-around-and-squeeze-me-tightly, hug. All I wanted was for someone to love me crazy, as if I am the only girl in the world for them. I want them to see me as someone they can seek comfort in, someone they can talk to, laugh with, cry with, and dham right have a complete and utter silence with, without any awkwardness. We wouldn't need any words to describe how we felt with each other, because really, it was all there, it was all there.That is all.
Now, I can't just go out with any guy that catches my eye, because really, a lot of good looking guys come to London and going out with every single one of them just seems really unethical. But one of the more important reasons is because I am Muslim.
Yes, the religion that has a lot of boundaries. The religion that safeguards a person's chastity and honor. The religion that most people say is radicalised. But the problem is most people don't even understand the religion and most of them have not even searched on the religion, yet they feel they have the right to make assumptions and generalisations based on the media and what people say and what people do.
Anyways, as my religion doesn't allow me to interact with the opposite gender, I don't have a boyfriend, or a future husband, or someone that I have loved since my very existence.
I have to have meetings with my potential spouse with my father/brother/uncle/grandfather (any one of them) present. And you know, sometimes that is hard, not only do you not know the person, but you don't know what to expect, and you are kind of put on the spot with your male relatives in the same room.
And there's also that factor. Love.
A four letter word, that is used so often, sometimes loosely without any reason behind it or any purpose to it. But most of the time, the people that mean it, like really and truly mean it, has definite purpose. Has this infinity connection to it, even if the couple do not see it.
Love has this amazing feeling. Were one point you're completely so in love with the person, that you would do anything and everything for them and the next you want to just push them off the cliff without any reason at all, and race right down to the bottom of the cliff just to save them.
That is love. Its not love and hate (when you want to just strangle them, or just put them off the cliff). It's just the way love works really.
You are going to have fights, you are, at one point going to say something that you wish you could take back in an instant. You are at one point going to wish you had never met them. But then there are those moments, those moments you wish you could save forever and implant it within your mind, deep within your mind so that you will never forget it.
But those fights, the times you've said all that you didn't mean, they are part of love. Love isn't just pick-me-off-the-floor-swing-me-around-and-squeeze-me-tightly type of love. But love is a also Omg I will kill you if you look at that girl again, kind of love. The word is jealousy.
And really, its not love and hate, its just love wrapped tightly in a ribbon of hardship. That is love, that is the kind of love I want.
That is the kind of love that I want to gain through my marriage, gradually. I don't want a love that is considered as haraam right at the start in the sight of Allah. What kind of love will I be gaining through that?
One of my favourite quotes, is
'Do not love the one who doesn't love Allah. If they can leave Allah, they will leave you.' And that is a quote by Imaam Shafi'i.
As well as gaining love in my marriage, I also expect my future husband to have knowledge about the religion, to be pious, to have fear in Allah, to love for the sake of Allah and to hate for the sake of Allah, to do everything in accordance to the religion of Allah, as much as they are able to of course.
In this day and age, it is hard to find a person with those qualities, so my journey is going to be pretty tough. And thing is, I can only sincerely love a person, if they love Allah. I can only love them, if they are truly striving to be the best they can. And that is all I ask, and I know a person can slip sometimes, and we can all slip, but it is extremely important to wipe off the dirt and get up once again as we have not reached paradise yet, the journey is still ongoing.
That is me.
Sophia Abdur-Rahman.
In search of love, but the fesibililah* love, not the Romeo killed himself for Juliet love, then Juliet killed herself for Romeo love (great story but seriously? I know happy endings aren't always real and stuff but come on, death?)
I want to strive to attain paradise, and I need a partner who is aiming for the same goal but with a much stronger will than I.
It is not impossible, but then again, it's not easy either!
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*Fesibililah: For the sake of Allah
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