My Shy Alpha: Book 1 (EXCERPT)

Chapter 1

I'm face-to-face with my therapist, whose mouth has been hanging open for a solid minute.

I stop picking at my jeans' threads. "So, yeah. That's how my first date with him went."

Jenny's eyebrows furrow. She reverses her legs from crossed to uncrossed to crossed again. "I'm sorry, can we back up for a second? You said your date turned around and...?"

"Sniffed some woman's neck."

"Just some random woman?" Jenny's bountiful, dark curls shimmy with the rapid jut of her chin. "Did he know her?"

"That's what I wondered too! But I don't think so. She turned around and said something like, 'I've been waiting to meet you.'"

"And then they...?"

I wince, the woman's heaving moans replaying in my mind like the broken porno I found lodged into Dad's old VCR - something I'd rather not remember but will remember until I die. "Then they went into the bathroom and started having sex. Loud sex."

"Leaving you to sit there, alone and confused."

"Yeah... Pretty much."

Jenny's deflating shoulders hurt my heart even worse than it already stings, validating that, yes, this is my life, and yes, I'm back at square one in the dating world. Again.

"You've kept a straight face throughout the story, but I get the feeling this was more hurtful than you're letting on," Jenny says.

I swallow hard. "I don't know which part of it hurts more, but..."

"Is this about the dream again?"

"N-no..." I shake my head hard enough to convince myself this is separate.

Until I remember what I did for an entire hour after I got home, unable to stop crying as I vision-boarded away my crushed hopes for the future. And it would've lasted longer - if I didn't realize I was compulsively attempting and re-attempting to find a photo to match the sexy guy I always meet in my recurring dream, unable to find the perfect replica of his scruffy, squared jawline.

"Well, okay, maybe it is about the dream. But that's not all of it. I know some amazing guy I met in a dream will never magically show up in real life. And I know we've talked about setting realistic dating expectations and keeping my mind open. But everything has been disappointing. Like no matter what, I'm bound to feel hurt. And after how many horrific things have happened in my life, I'm scared that no one will ever..."

I choke back tears, unable to continue.

"Oh, honey." Jenny hands me a tissue, and I can't bear to look at her aching for me. "You're scared that no one will ever...?"

"Love me."

There's a painful silence as I weep, trying my best to let Jenny see me upset without hiding myself. Besides my best friend Amy, Jenny is the only person I let see me upset.

Jenny softens her voice, leaning over her glass coffee table to rub my shoulder. "Are you telling yourself you're not lovable?"

"I just get the feeling that there has to be someone better out there. At least one person? But maybe that's unrealistic too."

Jenny's playful smile softens my nerves. "Or maybe the guy who has sex with random women in the bathroom while on a first date just isn't your guy."

"Maybe." I laugh. But my fears resurface, gnawing at my guts. "At least I hope he's not my guy. I hope he's the last guy like that I'll have to waste my time on. ...Or person, rather."