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MY DEAR SEISHIRO,
As I write this, I try to imagine your reaction, but it's hard. I don't know if my inability to picture you has anything to do with my fear of facing your rejection or that I simply don't know you anymore.
You must think I'm exaggerating. I'm your best friend, after all. We've lived more time together than we've done apart, so how can I suggest we've become distant? When I still remember the most random things about you at random times. And I still think of you when I come across an ugly sweater or spend so much time on my computer that my eyes hurt. The truth is, I think of you more than I should. I'm not sure if you'll take this well, and I'm not sure I can tolerate it if you don't, and that's why I don't know you like I used to - because before, I would have been able to tell. It may sound contradictory, but if you get sad at me giving up, your sadness will wound me, and if you, on the other hand, don't care..., your indifference will kill me. About your anger, I wouldn't want to see it twice. I'm no longer brave enough to face it, so I'm writing this instead.
I don't know where to start, but I need you to read me until the end. By now, you must be wondering where I am or why I left. There are two answers, and you don't need to make sense of them, but I need to confess, or else I feel like I'll explode. The first one is that I don't like skating anymore. The second one is that I'm in love with you.
Let me explain. There was a time when skating was everything to me. It's hard to believe because I joined so many clubs and did so much at school that I was always perceived as multitalented. But skating was at my very core. Everything else I did out of obligation or because it was easy to do, but skating? I skated even when it was impossible. I skated even when it made me stop smiling. And when I began eating less and sleeping less, I still skated.
So when you said I wasn't trying anymore, you didn't know anything about what you were talking about. You didn't know that I was slowly dying, or that I haven't felt alive in far too long. You couldn't have known because I never told you, and I never told you because you never cared. You can say you do now, but I wouldn't believe you. And I couldn't tell you upfront or else one word from you would've pulled me back. You called this "throwing myself a pity party," yet I never wanted you to pity me. Right now, I hope you don't. It would do nothing for us.
The worst part of becoming bad at skating is that it didn't only convince me that I was worthless, but it also pushed you away. I know I did as well, I know I don't have the best personality, but I couldn't keep your attention at the rink either. And although I never skated for you, I wanted you to see me. As far as I know, Sei, that was the only way to keep you by my side. Skating was our thing. But you went ahead, and it was my fault that I couldn't keep up. It was my fault for being fucked up. Mentally, physically, everywhere.
