heartbeats. | Taehyung

Prologue

h e a r t b e a t s.

The clothes that were so familiar to you, the clothes that you had folded a million times and now most definitely the last time. Too many tears had been dropped, so many that it felt like there was nothing left behind. The suitcase that you didn't want to pack like this, not with this feeling, not with this pain. You folded a white shirt, which you remember so distinctly didn't fit him anymore in the last stage of his sickness. It took away his breath and yours as well but somehow you still were right here, on this planet. For a short moment your mind wandered back in time and your hands gave in and dropped the white shirt to the floor. Just in a split second you got back to your current reality and picked up the shirt, you didn't want it to get dirty of course. You continued to pack his suitcase, so many memories were clouding your mind with every piece you held in your hands. And the smell of him still lingered on all of his things. There was nothing in this world that would take away this pain and you honestly thought you could grow old with him. Nowhere near you could have imagined that your ways would part this way. Any way you would have preferred for sure, but this? Him not being around and him loving you until his last breath. Even in his worst moments he always gave you the feeling of loving you so much. He always told you how his sickness was nothing compared to the pain he felt of leaving you behind.

Your thoughts of him and the pain spreading inside of you got taken back when a nurse came into the room. She looked at you with sad eyes and bowed a little down and softly spoke to you. "Miss, I'm very sorry but I slowly need you to leave." You couldn't even lift your head to look at her. It felt way too heavy and even though it made you mad at the very inside, you knew she just did her job. But still, you didn't want to leave. It felt like if you'd leave now, there is no way or reason to get back to him. Because he won't ever leave this room again. He died here and his soul will stay here. All the memories and everything of him will be left behind and can't ever come with you. Just now you realized how hard acceptance can be, you had quite a lot of hard pills to swallow, but this one was like a rock stuck in your throat and it was impossible to get out. You nodded to the nurse and she waited a little while not leaving you alone. You thought she might give you a bit more time but you guessed there wasn't. Finally you were able to look at the black haired, small nurse with madness written all over your face. But her face showed so much empathy which made you forget why you were lowkey mad at her in the first place. Your eyebrows softened as you looked at her, you couldn't be mad at her. At the end of the day this had nothing to do with her.

You yanked the suitcase of the bed, it was heavy in your hands. With a loud bang it hit the ground and you pulled the handle out of the dark blue suitcase. "I'm sorry" your voice was barely noticeable and every step was so hurtful, so heavy. As if he was holding onto you, begging you not to leave. While you had to do these steps you heard other nurses whispering, how young he died and how young you were to experience this great misfortune. It just made it harder. You heard someone shutting them down but it didn't matter anyway. Nothing mattered anymore. Not the painful steps, not the leaving him behind. Everything was meaningless.

So tell me, how to breathe when the rope around your neck is so tight? So tight that it'll leave deep cuts and bruises.

A beeping tone ringed through your ears and you flinched, taking you back from your deep thoughts. You were sitting in a little café, watching people walking by and drowning in these hurtful memories, when you had to leave his soul in the hospital. It's been over a year and a few weeks ago you decided to slowly get back to reality. You really had to. Your life had become so miserable, that you could barely handle the pain, his clothes were losing his scent the more you smelled them. He was disappearing and so were you if you continued to live like this. You knew this wasn't what he wanted and even though he wasn't here anymore, you couldn't ignore his words he said to you.