Eva imagines - SWARM

dealer p6

y/n POV:  

"i love you" eva spoke

those three words repeated in my head

"i love you"
"i love you"
"i love you"

this can't be real. she can't love me? i've never been loved before i don't know how it goes or how it feels ? she cannot love me. out of all the people in the world she admits she loves me?
i was snapped out of my thoughts when i felt her hands on my shoulders, pushing me to sit back down on the cushions.
i breathed heavily and stared, i couldn't really see anything as my eyes were blurry from tears that couldn't escape

"breathe with me y/n" eva said and i started to follow

after about a minute my heart beat slowed down and the tears stopped streaming

"you're okay. it's okay."

i let my head flop, staring at my lap. Eva lifted my head up by the chin making me look at her

"talk to me. how are you feeling"

"i- i don't know what to say"  i sniffled

"that's okay. let it process baby, i know it's hard"  she comforted me

"i can't" was the last thing i said before storming out

i couldn't handle the thought of being loved. it was too overwhelming to think about at the moment.
i ran through the big house and out the doors, eva trying to keep up behind me

"y/n where are you going?" she tried to stop me but i just slammed my car door shut

"you can't run from your feelings!"

the tears never stopped streaming. it was definitely dangerous to be driving like this but that was the last of my worries.
i sped down the drive and onto the road, going over the limit. my foot full force on the pedal. i didn't know were i was going i just needed an escape.
i must have been driving for about two hours to my favourite spot. it was an abandoned bridge over looking a river and the town in the distance.
pulling up, i put my hand break on and reaching into the back seats to grab some weed, i rolled a blunt and set it in my mouth before stepping out.
i walked up to the rusty bridge and climbed up part of it, sitting on a stable ledge. i'd go here often when i wanted a clear head.
once i was comfortable i lit the blunt and started to hit. the feeling took a few minutes before it started to calm me down, it was just what i needed.

my phone was set to do not disturb for obvious reasons. talking to anyone is the last thing i wanna do right now.
my brain was thinking of many different scenarios on what eva was doing. part of me thought that she really did mean what she said but the bigger part of me thought that it was a mind game to make me think she loves me and end up joining her cult.
recognising my feelings are hard. i never know what i feel or how to feel. when eva made me talk about my feelings in EU it's like it wasn't me. i never even knew i could say let alone understand those things. was it because deep down i really did feel like that and pushed it away? i had no idea

my blunt was finished and i flicked it off the bridge, falling into the river below me. i took a deep breath and closed my eyes, not knowing what to do next.
i'd decided to go for a stroll, i knew this area like the back of my hand so i knew i wouldn't get lost, plus i love the smell of the forests.

Eva POV:

all the girls had saw y/n storm out of the house bawling but i told them it was nothing. deep down it hurt me inside because i never want her to cry, let alone because of me, but i knew she would come to terms. i leaned up against the counter. taking a deep breath and chugging some ice water to refresh me. i had to act like i was unfazed. while y/n ran out the house it must have triggered dre or something because she seemed really irritated and annoyed.