Between Octobers

May 23rd

May 23rd

Thank God I didn't know many people. I couldn't look a single one in the eye.

It was like being pummeled. Beaten down into a spineless lump of clay.

One would think that all my trials—surviving the loss of my parents, living through the death of my first husband, being a single working mother of two strong-willed boys—would have helped me garner some form of courage. But I was as big a chicken as ever.

I'd been repeatedly mortified, on a much larger scale. My humiliation was made available on demand to anyone over the age of 18 with $29.95 to spare.

My mother used to say that a person never really knew what they were capable of until they were put to the test and the whole disaster certainly felt like I was being tested. And failing.

That video had tried and convicted me and I was suffering under the punishment. The torment of trying to accomplish everyday things while strangers—people I would never meet—sat in the privacy of their own home, and watched me make love to my husband.

I felt naked and abused. Empty. But I kept telling myself it would get better and it had to be true. There was no conceivable way that things could possibly get worse.

 To top things off, it was Evan's birthday and I couldn't muster the courage to call him. I wasn't even sure he wanted me to. He'd chosen to call Lily. He asked her to tell me about the video. He said he didn't want to bother me. I think that hurt the most.