Between Octobers

May 24th

May 24th  

I was lingering at the door to Dr. Lena's counseling office at my church, debating the wisdom of keeping my appointment when Pastor Tony stepped out from another door down the hall.

"Good morning, Grace," he called, gently waving his hand.

"Morning," I held my focus on the door in front of me, depressed. I'd been spotted now I had to go in.

"I'd like to speak with you."

I gestured to the counseling office. "I have an appointment."

"It won't take but a minute," he assured, running a hand through his dark, wavy hair. Patches of gray had recently formed on the sides. "Elena won't mind if you're a few minutes late."

"Oh, okay."

I hadn't spoken with Pastor Tony in months. His sudden desire for a meeting felt like a call to the Principal's Office.

I sat in a high-backed wooden chair in front of his large mahogany desk. He met my speechless stare with a cutting gaze, and I knew he knew everything.

Shame flooded my eyes until I couldn't see.

"I heard about your recent troubles." His sweet southern drawl could not temper the bite of his words.

My frazzled thoughts gathered and shattered, leaving me speechless.  

"I'd like to talk to you about it."

If only the floor would open up and swallow me.

"Grace, look at me, please."

My overwhelming shame would not allow me to grant his request. I was exposed again; naked and unable to find cover. "You have no idea how violated I feel." I crossed my arms over my aching stomach. "I can't believe this is happening."

"Are you alright?"

"Of course not." I squeezed my eyes shut.

"I know this is uncomfortable and I do apologize, but my position as your cleric requires me to see that you're alright." He sighed. "I'd also like to believe that we know one another well enough to discuss this. I would love some eye contact right about now."

I strained against it, but met his eyes halfway.

"Though my contact with you has been somewhat limited of late, I still believe you are a woman of strong, moral character. One who dedicates more time to the service of others than most regular attending members of this church."

He leaned back in his leather chair. "If you don't want to speak with me, I understand."

I remembered the kindness he'd shown after Sol died, offering to preside over his funeral and checking in on me and the boys, recommending me to Dr. Lena.

I took a deep breath, using my anger to push through the teary shame and shove my words out. "I went to visit my husband while he was working. We were alone in his private trailer. Maybe I should've checked to make sure that the windows were completely covered, but he spent so much time inside and never showed any concern for his privacy. I saw no reason to worry. I didn't know a person could be so disgusting. He's hired a Private Investigator, and his attorneys are handling things."

"I'm awful sorry for you, Grace. How are the boys handling this?"

My boys. The thought broke me and I began to snivel. "Caleb doesn't seem to know anything. And Noah . . . he can barely look at me. He won't talk about it and I can't deny it's a relief. How do I explain?"