Carry that weight (Fruk)

1

I have distinct memories from when I was young. I used to play a lot with one of the kids in our neighbourhood. I was the youngest of three, but not by too much. At the same time, my oldest brother was twelve during these distinct memories. Alistair was twelve, I was six, Conner was eight, and Dylan was ten.

Even at a young age, I was always aware of things. I knew things without people explaining why something was a certain way. For instance, the kid in our neighbourhood I used to play with was the same age as my brother Conner, eight. And I understood from a young age what he would grow up to be like.

Francis had always been a flamboyant type of kid, even into adulthood. My brothers urged me to play with him since they believed I needed more friends; however, they would make snarky remarks about him. How they 'knew' he would grow up to be a certain way. I ignored their comments because I was too young to say something against them. At that age, that was how I thought of it.

That Francis was 'funny' and how my brothers somehow could tell and would make those comments. That was all.

However, despite much of our differences. Francis and I. We still were close throughout our childhood. He had an older sister, the same age as my brother Allistair. They were also close, and despite everyone thinking they would have been the ones to get married, it was far from that.

Francis started to have a crush on my brother from a young age and finally told me about it in high school when he had finally accepted who he was. It went like this...

Cue the dream music, please!

~

"Arthur! Put your stupid book down and listen to me!"

Francis snatched my book out of my hand as he made a loud entrance into the library. I looked at him, annoyed, but he ignored it as he sat before me. "What? I am a little busy. Some of us care about our studies..."

"I am in love with your brother..."

"Oh..."

~

Yeah...it sucks having to find out that way, but I couldn't change anything. It was also around this time that I realized I had feelings for him. I was always sceptical about my brother and Francis being together. And it wasn't because I was jealous or knew Francis longer, so it was 'unfair.' I never thought of any selfish thoughts about them. It was because Alistair had always made fun of him growing up, but then one day had feelings. I always found it strange and never told Francis. I would support him as a friend and keep my mouth shut constantly.

It was hard to choose sides anyway, so staying silent seemed more desirable.

I was never honest about myself with anyone, either. No one knew I felt that way toward men. Everyone figured I was this person who only cared about work rather than relationships. I am already thirty years old, still single, and have never dated, and I don't mind.

After the wedding between them, I seriously gave up. I was waiting for them to break up so I could confess, but I knew that would have been weird.

The wedding was the hardest.

I don't even want to think about it...that is how bad it was.

They had started dating during my last year at University. My brother talked to me about it at first, and it was when I realized that I was too late to confess how I felt. I was twenty-three then, and soon after, they started dating. Francis had gushed about it the day my brother asked him out. We were roommates at the time.

~

"What do you think? What should I say to him? I told him I would get back to him."

All I could do was smile and give my support.

"That is amazing! You've liked him for a long time! You should go for it!"

It felt like I was ripping my own heart out.

"Really? It won't be weird, right?"

"Non-existent weirdness!"

~

I am such an idiot.

Then, they dated for a few years before finally getting married last year.

Francis and I were still friends, and he still confided in me for anything he had trouble with, so it was hard to get rid of the feelings I had for him. They had been married for a year, and everything was great. They were happy, everyone was delighted, and now they even thought of having children. It was amazing! I wouldn't want anything else but the best for my brother and my old friend.

Now, I think maybe it could be time for me to move on from Francis and try and date. I loved Francis, and I have for a long time, but now it was time for me to move on. If they were thinking about kids, then I would expect to be an uncle and have a niece or nephew. I couldn't be awkward despite everything. I wasn't awkward anyway, but it felt odd. I have kept my secrets in for a long time and might take them to the grave.

They were in love. I could see it. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could get in the way of how they feel for each other. I knew it. I needed to pull my head out of my ass and get over myself and the feelings I still had.

I am thirty years old! There was no time for me to be in despair. And I certainly wasn't going to bring this mentality to the dinner tonight. It was Easter Sunday, and lucky for me, the whole family was getting together. Which meant I needed to bring a guest. Francis was always my guest in the past years, but now he didn't count. So, that means I had to ask a close friend from my work. He wasn't much, but he brought the right amount of spunk for people not to get the idea that I wasn't gorging myself on my work all the time.